Loss of a precious twin daughter

Unlike most of your stories, my loss was not recent. In 1995, my husband and I found out that we were having identical twin girls. We felt so lucky and blessed. We already had a 1 1/2 year old girl, and we were so excited to be having twins.

My pregnancy was perfect. My babies were big, and every ultrasound looked great. I also had regular non-stress tests. On June 17, I was 38 weeks and I went into labour. My husband and I went to the hospital and stayed for 7 hours, but then my labour stopped. We discussed with our doctor the options. She said that if we induced we could end up with doing a c-section if things did not progress. We did not want a surgical intervention unless it was really neccessary, so we went home. That was a long week. I was 39 weeks and the babies were both over 6 pounds. I was not going into labour and I was tired. We decided that they would induce me on June 24th. Sometime in the middle of the night of June 24th I went into labour on my own. We were so happy – finally we would see our girls. Words cannot express our shock and horror when the doctor told us “A is dead, I do not know if we can save B”. My husband and I were in shock. I then began to push, as though I had to deliver my girls right then.

I cannot explain the absolute sorrow of seeing my baby “A” Carolyn lying on the table not moving or crying. It is a sight that will haunt me forever. Then thank God our twin”B” Maria was born – alive and kicking. Such joy, and such sorrow all at the same time.

We had an autopsy done, the doctors were stumped at what had happened. Carolyn had more blood than Maria, it was a case of acute twin-twin transfusion syndrome. Their size difference was minimal. There had been no indication during the pregnancy of this occuring.

We went on to have another baby, a boy – Adam. I have 3 amazing children: Annika, Maria and Adam here on earth, and one angle in heave – Carolyn.

Although it has been almost 10 years since losing our precious twin daughter, it is a pain that never truly disappears. We are a happy family, and we speak of Carolyn often. Maria is a ball of fire and we all joke what it would have been like to have two like her!

Hug your children everyday, and know that your angels in heaven will always watch over you.


Jill (Vancouver, Canada)

The loss of her sister

I found out I was pregnant on Valentine’s Day of 2002. I was happy and so was the dad. For some odd reason I knew I was having a girl, so I was going to name her Emily Elizabeth. I never got morning sickness but the only craving I got was macaroni and cheese. I was so weird. At the time I was 17 years old and scared, never having had a child before.

When I was 5 months, I found out I was having identical [monozygotic] twin girls, but when they got to Baby B, there was something wrong. Another doctor came in to look at the ultrasound. It was so scary I stated to cry. They had to send me to another doctor see what was going on. They said that she was deformed in so many ways. I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. They wanted to do an amino to see exactly what was going on.They said it could be any number of things that could be wrong with her. They ran a test and it came back as TTTS (Twin-Twin Transfusion Syndrome).

A couple of months went by and I received a phone call from the doctor saying I had to have surgery as it was a life and death situation.  I had 3 places to chose from. I chose the place closest, packed up and headed to Tampa, FL. My parents went with me. They took me back in the ultra sound room and took pictures of my baby. It took 2 hours. They gave me some choices that I had to make right there for surgery. I decided to go ahead and put something around the umbilical cord.

They took me in to do the surgery. When it was finished, that’s when they told me they had to laser off the blood vessels to the umbilical cord. I stayed for 3 days in the hospital. When I returned home 3 weeks later, I had another ultra sound to see what was going on. For the remainder of the pregnancy, I was in and out of the hospital. I went into early labour and it was stopped and I spent a month in hospital. August 31st came and I was 35 weeks. They said at this point if I was to go in labor they couldn’t stop it. Well I did go in labor. I had my little girl. She was 5 lb and 4and a half oz 19 and a half in long. She was so tiny.

Three years later she is 35 lbs and taller then any 3 year old child. She is healthy, beautiful and smart. The loss of her sister was heartbreaking. The best part is that I see Gracie (Baby B) in Emily every day. I want to thank everybody who tried to save her.

Thanks for letting me tell my story.

Jen from Ms.

My wife and I recently lost one of our twin daughters

I really don’t know what to say. My wife and I recently lost one of our twin daughters. It has been less than a week. All along we were told everything was OK, at first we didn’t even know we were pregnant. My wife would bleed a little each month we thought she was having her period. We didn’t even go to the doctor until my wife was about 5 months pregnant.

When we went to the doctor they ordered an ultrasound and we were told that we were going to have twins. We saw the ultra sound and they gave us pictures that showed two babies in separate sacs and their own placentas.

We were so happy. We took the ultrasound pictures everywhere we went and showed them to our family members and friends. From then on we went to every doctor’s appointment. We did every thing the doctor told us to do. Our doctor didn’t even put my wife on bed rest. She said that my wife could continue to work. We listened to and trusted her because she also delivered our second child. They were planning for a c-section around 37 weeks.

At this time we were at about 31 weeks and had a doctor’s appointment the following week. The night before our doctor’s appointment my wife got sick and vomited real bad, the worse I seen since earlier in the pregnancy. The following morning I had my wife call the doctor to see if that was normal and she was told not to worry about it and to come in for her scheduled appointment later that day at 11:00 a.m. I had some things to do that day so I sent her by herself. When she returned she said every thing was OK and that they heard both heart beats and they sounded good.

The doctor ordered a stress test just to be safe and to make sure she wasn’t going into preterm labor because my wife’s back was hurting a little more than usual. When we got to the hospital, the nurse tried to monitor the hearts of the babies but could really only get a good reading on one of them so they brought in the ultra sound machine. My wife and I both sat there watching the monitor and when the nurse began looking for the hearts, the first was very easy to see and the second we could not see because the body wasn’t in good position to see it. The nurse said she saw it and I even think I saw it. So she went on with the stress test and hooked the monitors up to my wife’s stomach. The nurse couldn’t get a good fix on the one we couldn’t see earlier but finally she did, or at least she thought she did.

When she left the room, one of the heart beats wouldn’t stay constant and I tried to move the monitor to see if the baby had just moved. When the nurse finally returned, she tried to reposition the monitor to locate the heartbeat as well. She couldn’t find it so she ordered an ultrasound tech to come to our room to help here find the heartbeat.

When the tech viewed the ultrasound image, she knew something was wrong and called for a doctor to come look at the ultrasound to confirm what she had thought, i.e. that one baby was going to be still born. All this time none of the nurses said anything, I guess not to alarm us. I can remember my wife and I smiling and talking about getting to see our babies on the ultra sound and within 10 minutes we were told that one of our babies was going to be stillborn. We didn’t know what to do I don’t think we even cried we were just in shock.

We were then admitted into hospital and told that my wife would deliver the babies by c-section the next day. After getting our room, we both began to cry and hold each other for hours. I then called both of our parents to deliver the bad news. Neither family could believe it. I guess since we already had two healthy babies now 5 and 4, it was felt that there was no way that anything could go wrong.

After about a couple of hours of crying, then silence, then crying again, we began to talk about what we were going to do and how are we going to make it. Neither of us had any answers. Not to mention our two children whom had been expecting two baby sisters. They would go to school and tell their teachers and class mates that they were going to have twins. What were they going to say now? The eldest is in kinder-garden. He would bring home pictures that he would draw at school that would show “daddy momma sister him and the twins in mommies tummy”. I hope he will be OK. The younger one is in pre kinder-garden. She was just starting to get excited about being a big sister to twins. Her grandmother had bought her a Dora the Explorer DVD about being a big sister and in the cartoon, Dora’s parents had just had twins. My daughter was so happy that she was going to be “a big sister and have twins just like Dora.” She would walk around saying “I’m going to be a big sister, big sister”, I haven’t heard her say it since. We tried to tell her and her brother that “there’s not two babies any more just one”.

We delivered the babies 4th January, 2006 at 6:45 p.m. Mila was almost a pound lighter than Lena. Mila didn’t make it. The doctors said there was a blood clot in the placenta. We will probably know more in a couple of weeks. Lena seems to be OK. She was 4lbs and 1oz and had a lot of hair. She had a little problem with her blood being too thick. The doctor said her blood seems to have gotten better but she will still have to stay in NICU for at least a week. She is breathing on her own and is beautiful.

I know this may seem to soon for me to be writing, but I can’t sleep. All I do is think about my wife and I hope she can make it through this and my kids, they were so happy about their sisters. I know this has happenend to other people but it still feels like you are alone. I already miss my baby girl. I never thought I could love someone so much without even meeting them. We will have the funeral Monday. We left the hospital and had to leave Lena. I hope she can come home soon so we can love her and hold her. I will always love my baby girl, Mila.

Philip D. Norman, Oklahoma

A story of birth and loss

I was in quite a bit of pain that whole weekend. I really didn’t get anything done. Not even any laundry for the week. I went in to my usual weekly appt. with the OB. I was 36 weeks that day. I walked in and was taken right back. The appointment was going as usual. The doctor came in and measured me. I was measuring 52 cm. I was so uncomfortable that when he was talking about inducing me in 2 weeks I just started crying. He said I know that you are uncomfortable, let’s check you.

He checked me and said Oh, you’re at 5 cm, looks like you are going to have these babies today. I want you to go over to L&D.

I called my boyfriend and my sister and proceeded to go to the hospital. When I got there they laid me down and hooked me up. I just stayed like that with my regular mild contractions. They came in to do the US to check positions of the babies and Irene was still transverse but she was spine up. The doctors talked to me and I then decided that I was more afraid then I thought I was of C sections. I decided to try vaginal and hope for the best.

They checked me again at like 6 o’clock and I was at a 6cm dilated. They doctor decided to come over and break my water for baby A. That was horrible because Fernando Jr was trying to grab the doctor’s hand. SO they had to push up from the vagina and down on the fundus. OUCH!!! After that things started to pick up. At about 8 o’clock they decided on starting pitocin. I have had Pitocin before and decided that before they started that I would like to get my Epidural. It took 3 tries to get it in, but it was a really great Epi. When it was time to push they wheeled me down to the OR and we started to push after a couple of minutes.

Fernando Rueben Hernandez Jr. was born at 18 inches long weighing 4lbs and 14 oz. They made me wait between pushes while they saw what Irene did. After a couple of contractions they started to push her head down. After getting her into place, two pushes later Irene Amelia Hernandez made her début screaming her head off. She was 17 inches long and 4 lbs and 11 oz. They were taken to the reg nursery, but only lasted an hour and a half before being taken over to the NICU for some O2. They were in the NICU for the longest 10 days of my life. We have now been home for 2 days. I am so happy. 🙂 The sweetest babies and an easy delivery. I feel so blessed.

Now I will tell you what happened the night of March 1st. My little boy Fernando had been sick with a cold for a couple of days. I took him to bed with me to Breast feed at about 11:30 at night. This was my first day back at work. When I woke up a little over an hour later, he was gone. After an investigation they ruled his death SIDS. I am devastated. I feel horrible, I feel guilty. I miss my little boy so much. He will have been gone for 6 months tomorrow. As his sister grows she is now 7 ½ months old. I remember not only him, but think of how they would be interacting now. They would be laughing at each other and maybe even fighting. I feel bad; I don’t want to overshadow my daughter’s life with her angels. Maybe his whole purpose was just to bring her to me. I will never know. I will always be a twin mom, but feel cheated out of the joy of seeing them grow up together. I love all four of my children so much.

Thank you,

Sara L.M. NE, USA

One of our beautiful twin grandsons was struck by a car

On February 2nd, 2005, one of our beautiful twin grandsons was struck by a car while riding his bicycle near his home on Long Island. His name is Anthony R. Matuza. He was only fifteen-years-old. Nicholas is Anthony’s twin brother.

For six days Anthony’s family, friends and church members surrounded him with faith, hope, love and many prayers. Anthony’s condition worsened, and on the sixth day, with no blood flow to his brain and no brain activity, his Mom and Dad had to make the heartbreaking decision to take Anthony off life support. Anthony died as he had lived, in the arms of those who loved him, and is now back in God’s care.

Our daughter Nicolle, Anthony’s Mom, is an E.R. nurse and an avid horse lover. Anthony’s Dad, Marty, is an Emergency Services Officer and a first responder in his fire district. After Anthony’s death, Nicolle’s faith was at its lowest point. She had begun to question even her steadfast belief in a just and merciful God. To fill her days Nicolle returned to her passion, riding and caring for horses. Being around the barn and walking the fragrant spring pastures seemed to give her a sense of communing with her lost son.

One weekend in early September while her Mom was visiting, Nicolle was online looking at horses. She found nothing that interested her in New York, New Jersey or Connecticut and was about to give up. Her Mom, Nana, suggested she try looking in Pennsylvania. Tired, Nana then went off to bed. A few minutes later she heard, “Mom, you have to come and see this”. There on the screen was “Anthony’s Faith Believe’n”. Looking further, they found the horse was born in February 2005, the same month and year Anthony died. Checking even further, they learned the horse cost fifteen hundred dollars, fifteen being the exact amount of years Anthony lived. This was the first day the ad was posted. Nana urged Nicolle to call right away. Marty laughed and said ” What do you need, lightning to strike you?” After Nicolle left a message with the woman who owned the horse, Nana took the call-back and asked if the horse was still for sale. The woman said “Yes.” Nana said, “We’ll take it!” She then went on to explain the sad circumstances of the loss of our grandson.

Now all we needed to do was find the money. It just so happened that Nana and I had a bond with accrued interest. The interest was fifteen hundred dollars, –fifteen hundred and nine dollars to be exact! Just the amount needed to buy the horse. Tom and Laurel, the owners of the stable where Nicolle was leasing a horse, even volunteered to trailer the new horse home for her from Union City in western Pennsylvania.

Our family believes that everything leading up to Nicolle buying this horse was Anthony’s way of telling her, “It’s all right Mom, I’m O.K. Now it’s time to move forward again.”

This pretty little seven month old filly, whose name is now Faith, was a gift from God and Anthony. She now lives on Long Island with Nicolle, Marty and Nicholas.


Edward J. & Vivian Smith, Canadensis, PA


Thank you for reading my story

In July of 1999, I discovered I was pregnant. We already had two other children and I was very familiar with the symptoms of pregnancy. Within the first few weeks, I was experiencing all the normal symptoms but on a grander scale. The morning sickness was the biggest clue for me, as I was so ill I could not pick my head up off the pillow without getting sick. I talked to my doctor about all the symptoms and he suggested that maybe I was carrying twins. This was exciting news for me because I had two uncles who were twins, and being the last grandchild to have babies, I was hoping it was me who would carry on the tradition of twins in the family.

A blood test was performed and indicated that my HCG level was double what it should be. So at 15 weeks pregnant (on September 15th and my birthday) an ultrasound was performed and it was determined that indeed there were two sacs. However, there was only one fetus that resembled that of a baby. My doctor explained to my husband and I about the Vanishing Twin Syndrome at that time. We were left feeling numb, but at the same time, overjoyed at the first pictures of our precious baby that was still growing.

It was bittersweet. I kept those pictures, and they are in my daughter’s baby book right now with a note to her, promising to explain them to her someday. All through my pregnancy, I was sure I was having a boy. I even took a blue outfit to the hospital. Imagine my surprise when the doctor said, “It’s a girl!”. After she was born, the placenta came, and my doctor proceeded to examine it and show me the remains of the twin that died around 12 weeks in utero. It looked like a mass of wet chalk…very pasty. But it was my baby. I looked over to see my precious Lauren being cleaned up, and I praised God for the blessing of her life.

My sweet baby that is in Heaven, is a little boy…I just know it. And I’ve named him Caleb. That was the boy name we had picked out when I was pregnant. Someday I will tell Lauren about her twin brother. I look at her sometimes and I can imagine her brother with her. I don’t know if or how this will affect her emotionally. I just pray that she has a happy and full life. Thank you for reading my story.

Donna, Woodstock, GA

On losing one twin

I found out I was pregnant on my 9th wedding anniversary, September 2nd, 1998. It was our first pregnancy and we were very excited. My excitement turned to severe sickness within a couple of weeks. I could not even stand up without vomiting. I visited my doctor at 9 weeks and she suspected that the illness might be caused by twins. That thought made me endure my sickness with a new-found strength. I had always wanted to have twins and talked about it with my husband many times.

At 11 weeks I had an ultrasound that revealed I was carrying twins. We were shocked, excited, and scared, all at once. I started making plans and dreaming about what it was going to be like to have these two babies. The pregnancy progressed well until 17 weeks when I ended up in the Operating Room because of an abcessed Gall Bladder. The surgeon had never operated on a pregnant woman before, and I felt more than a little nervous. I recovered after couple of weeks and felt fairly good. I was seeing a Perinatologist who specialized in high risk pregnancy. He placed me on bed rest at about 22 weeks.

On Monday, March 8th I saw the specialist for my weekly appointment, I was 31 weeks pregnant. I was extremely uncomfortable and he suspected I was having contractions. I was admitted to the hospital and my membranes ruptured just minutes after getting into my room, I was 2 centimeters dilated. I spent the night in Labor and Delivery so they could monitor the babies. I could not rest because I felt something was not right. I was so upset that the nurse called my doctor at 5:00 am and he did an ultrasound that confirmed that twin A no longer had a heartbeat. Apparently they had been monitoring the heartbeat of only one baby for a couple of hours and did not realize it. I was so shocked and sad that I could not even cry. I felt numb. Even though I knew something was wrong I just kept telling myself that everything would be OK. I prayed constantly. I delivered my baby girl twin A at 2:20 pm on Tuesday March 9th. We called her Gabrielle Rose. They suspected her death was caused by a prolapsed cord, so they delivered baby girl twin B by cesarean section at 2:40 pm. We named her Erin Elizabeth and she is now 5 years old. I was happy and sad all at the same time. The confusion and loss took over my whole being.

We held Gabrielle Rose for a while and the tears came and did not stop for days. I just kept thinking that I should have done something differently. The grief from losing one twin was unimaginable. I missed her so very much and yet I had to pull myself together and take care of my new baby. Erin spent 6 agonizing weeks in the Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit. She weighed only 3 pounds and 8 ounces and she needed time to grow and gain strength.

We always talk about her identical twin sister. We wanted Gabrielle to always be apart of Erin’s life. They share a special bond and she asks about her frequently. We cry together as Erin asks why her sister had to die. I have no real answers for her. I am still consumed by grief and guilt at times, but Erin and my 3 year old son Colin are the joy of my life.

Tracey, Canada

We would only have 10 short days with our precious son

On April 9, 2003, I delivered Ian Hunter and Gavin Hans at 33 weeks and 1 day. These boys were #4 and # 5 for us, and actually our second set of twin boys (naturally). We were excited to say the least and so were our older twin boys Anders Erik and Hayden Lars and big sister (singleton) Emily Brianna.

The new twins were 6 weeks premature which was new to us. We had never had preemies before. Ian and Gavin weighed 5.1 and 4.7 at birth and stayed in the NICU for 12 days. They were released to finally come home, which was an hour away, on April 21, 2003. The first time our boys would feel the sun on their faces.

Little did we know that we would only have 10 short days with our precious son ~Gavin~ when an evil monster called SIDS would take him from us in the early morning hours of May 1, 2003. My husband and I thought we knew what not to do since these were our second set of twins. We were awaken by the cries of Ian at 5 am on May 1, 2003. The babies’ crib was in our bedroom and my husband got up to start to change and get him ready for me start nursing. My husband then went to pick up ~Gavin~ who had appeared to still be asleep on his back (we had always woken the sleeping twin to feed at the same time to get [them] on somewhat of the same schedule). My husband said the minute he picked ~Gavin~ up it was as if a lighting blot went through his body and he knew we was not alright.

My husband and I took turns performing CPR on our son until EMS arrived. There were at least 6 to 7 adults in our bedroom working on ~Gavin~ for about 30 minutes. They then carried him down the stairs on a back board and my husband went with them in the ambulance to take him to the hospital. I received a call about 30 minutes later from my husband telling me ~Gavin~ was gone. GONE just when we were starting our completed family together. A life I had all planned out. How my older twin boys were going to be best buddies with their younger twin brothers and my daughter, the only princess, in the middle. My dreams for the future gone forever in that instance when we had to leave the hospital without our precious baby ~Gavin~.

It is so hard to leave your baby there wondering who is he going to be with and who is watching him. It has been just 18 months since ~Gavin~ left us to go back and be with his Heavenly Father but not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. How can I not when his big twin brother is just 19 months old. Ian will grow up knowing he has a special little twin brother watching him from the Heavens above!


I wonder if this pain ever gets any easier

My name is Dawn and I would like to share my story with you. I found out I was pregnant on February 22, 2004. I was so excited. My husband and I already had 2 children and we wanted 1 more. Well at the end of May I started having a real heavy feeling in my stomach so I went to my Dr. and he sent me for an ultrasound. I was 18wks along. The technician looked at my husband and I and said, “Do you know there is 2 in here?” We were shocked! There are no twins on either side of our families.

Of course right away we started planning for twins. We found out they were both boys.

Around 21 weeks, I started to have premature labor. I was put on mag and after 4 days, they got the labor to stop. I was sent home on complete bedrest. My mom who lives in Ohio, came up to help me with me and my children. She got here at the end of June. I went into the hospital 8 times with premature labor and put on mag 4 times.

Early in the morning on Aug 9th at the start of my 29th wk I was having severe back pain. My husband is a police officer and works third shift. I called him just to complain because I was hurting. Well when we got off the phone, he called my dr and my dr wanted me to come to the hospital to be checked out. I got to the hospital and thought they would just send me home with some pain medicine. The nurse checked my cervix and I was 6c dilated. I started crying hysterically. Everyone told me to calm down, it would be okay. I tried to believe them. I was taken to a c-section room to deliver my boys. They were both head down so we were gonna try a vaginal birth.

I started pushing at 7:07a.m. and baby A, my precious Dalton, was born at 7:30a.m. He weighed 2lbs 12 oz and was 16inches long. He came out crying and looked great!!! They even left him in the room for about 10 minutes after he was born. Then I started to push again to get out baby B. After 20 minutes my Dr decided I needed a c-section because his placenta was bleeding to much. So at 8:03 am my precious little guy Ethan was born. He weighed 2lbs 15 oz. and was 15 inches long. He wasn’t doing well from the beginning. They had to literally dig him out of me. He was resesitated 2 times before leaving the delivery room. I was so scared for both of them.

I was finally allowed out of bed to go and see them at 9:00p.m. that night. I walked into the nursery and was overwhelmed by what I saw. Ethan was the first one I saw. He was on a respirator and was bruised from head to toe from his delivery. They wouldn’t even let me touch him he was that unstable.

They took me down a little farther to see Dalton. He was on a respirator but looked good. They said he was stable. He was moving and looking around at us. He was beautiful. In the early hours on Aug 10th one of the doctors came in my room to tell me that Dalton’s lung had collapsed and they put in a tube. The doctor also said Ethan’s blood pressure was too low and his heart wasn’t pumping the way it should be, so they had put him on some medication.

When my husband went down to see them at 9:00a.m. they said they were doing fine. At 9:30 the doctor came down and said that they were losing Dalton and didn’t really know why. I was devastated. By 11:00 a.m. Dalton was gone. It just didn’t make any sense and by 4:00p.m. Ethan was getting better. They brought Dalton to us so we could see him and hold him. It was the hardest thing I have had to do so far.

Ethan was in the hospital for 10wks and in that time there were alot of ups and downs with him. He had a level 3 brain bleed , the blood has reabsorbed but when it did it left some scar tissue so they don’t really know to what extent it did if it did anything at all. He has been home for a wk now and it is wonderful. He is up to 6lbs 13.6oz. and he is beautiful. I am grateful to God everyday for him. But I miss Dalton everyday as well. I know it has only been 11wks but I wonder if this pain ever gets any easier. I am finally able to look at the pictures that they took of him without bawling. They are beautiful pictures and they took some of the both of them together. I hope that Ethan will like to see them someday.

I wonder if he misses his big brother as much as we do. Oh yeah and by the time Ethan was 1wk old his heart was normal!!! Thank you God. If there is anyone out there who knows how this feels and would like to talk. I would enjoy that.

I thank God everyday that I have my daughter Amanda