Lynda Haddon

Angels on my pillow

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

My husband and I were college sweethearts who married one week after graduation. We have spent the last seven and a half years as a double income no kids family. We finally decided to take the plunge into mother and fatherhood back in June.

I got pregnant right away and 8 weeks later I found out I was very pregnant with twins. My pregnancy was normal (according to my OB). How would I know? This was my first time in this ballgame. Around 18 weeks I found out that I was carrying identical twin boys and everything appeared fine. They were developing beautifully with no problems. Since I was getting really uncomfortable around this time, I decided to resign from my full time job and rest. I resigned on Monday and lost my babies on Wednesday of the same week.

That Wednesday night was very normal. My husband and I ate dinner and even went for a swim at our gym. I went to bed and woke up an hour later with terrible pain in my lower belly. I called the doctor and my water broke while I was on the phone with her. Since I was 20 weeks along I immediately knew what this meant for my babies. We rushed to the ER and minutes later I was told that there was no chance either of my boys would make it. I suffer from an incompetent cervix and it had spontaneously opened that October 27th with absolutely no warning. In fact just a week or two prior my cervix had been perfect. Apparently with this problem it can happen in a matter of minutes.

The next morning I delivered my boys vaginally. We held them and cried and had the hospital chaplain baptize them with our tears, which were plentiful. A week later we buried them and had a memorial service to honor their memory. We planted a bulb garden in our back yard with flowers that will bloom around their due date which was projected to be March 16, 2005.

Each day is a struggle to survive emotionally. I know that things will get easier and the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I will see them again in heaven. It helps to picture them sleeping beside me, angels on my pillow at night, watching over me, stroking my hair and telling me how much they love me. My heart goes out to the mommies and daddies here on earth with empty arms. Someday we will hold our babies in heaven.

Kristie, Black Mountain, NC

Story of Loss

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

I have read all your stories on the loss of twins so I thought I would share mine. They say that all things happen for a reason and I do believe that. At Christmas time of 2003 my husband and I had decided we were going to be apart for a while. We had been trying to get pregnant for a while with no baby in sight.

Finally we decided we would get back together and make it work. Well on 02-04-04 I took a home pregnancy test. The results were positive. A week later I go into the OBGYN for a pregnancy test and it comes out positive. I was the most excited person in the world. They decided I was far enough along to put me on the ultrasound right then and I found out I was having identical twins.

It was a long couple of months after that. They had found fluid on the back of Baby B’s neck and told me right then that he wasn’t going to make it. If he dies, since they were identical, Baby A would die as well. They monitered me up to 23 weeks. It was detemined after that they were both going to be healthy little boys.

A week later I started having problems with a pink mucus coming out when I used the bathroom. I went to the doctor and the hospital and they all told me that it was normal. I knew something was wrong with my pregnancy but they thought I was crazy. 3 days after being monitered in a hospital all night long I went in to pre-term labor. The labor gave no warning, there was no pain. The amniotic sack had made its way down my cervix. It is called an hour-glass labor. Needless to say I had my babies on June 19th 2004. Their names were Josh and Jace. Unfortunately they only lived 2 weeks. Jace died on July 3rd and Josh died on July 6th.

I will say that as a mother those were two of the best weeks of my life, and two of the worst weeks. I do know that now me, my husband and my daughter have 2 angels that watch over us always.

Dareth, Marshville, N.C.

My Pregnancy

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

April 10th 2004, I had been very tired all week so I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. My husband and I were elated and very surprised to be having another baby. It was the day before my son’s second birthday.

I had started having a lot of braxton-hicks contraction beginning about 4 weeks into the pregnancy. I had a lot of faintness for the first trimester and was very glad to see it go as I entered my fourth month. After that everything went easily. I focused on educating myself so I could have a vaginal birth after c-section. I took a nap everyday with my son and ate a wonderful diet.

I was very interested in hiring a midwife, but my father and husband encouraged me to go get checked with an OBGYN just for security. I finally made an appointment with a doctor at 16 weeks. They couldn’t get me in for another 4 weeks so by the time I was seen I was already 20 weeks. Everything checked out fine. The nurse had a really hard time finding a heartbeat, she said my placenta was attached right in front blocking the baby’s heartbeat. She finally got one it was about 150, she mentioned that it was probably a girl since the rate was so high.

My husband and I bought a bigger house to accommodate the new arrival. I began buying some baby clothes and making preparations. At 21.5 weeks I felt a good kick. It was so comforting because I was feeling so little movement this pregnancy. I’m so glad I remember it well because it would be the last kick I would feel. That weekend we moved. Thursday I felt some really strange pains in my belly. I had no contractions that day so I wasn’t worried. I stayed up late working on a birth plan. I got up about 3 am to go to the bathroom and noticed a blob of pink mucous which really scared me, I had never had any kind of bleeding with either pregnancy so this wasn’t normal for me.

Friday morning I decided to put myself on bedrest but I still didn’t feel right. I checked my cervix and almost fainted when I realized I was dilated to 2 cm. I finally told my husband what was going on and we went to the hospital. When we got to the ER I told them I was 23 weeks and in labor. They wheeled me up to OB . The fetal monitor in my room didn’t work right so the nurse tried a Doppler. She got a heartbeat (which turned out to be mine) so I thought it was just preterm labor or maybe an incompetent cervix. Three and a half hours after we arrived at the hospital they wheeled me back down to the sonogram room. I hadn’t had one yet this pregnancy. Immediately she told me we had two babies! Not really a surprise, twins are very frequent in my husband’s family. After a few minutes I asked her if she was finding a heartbeat. She said “no.” I was stunned.

We went back to my room and the doctor came in and explained that we had twins, that were in the same sac and that they had died. He thought they had probably been gone for a while. He gave me the option to induce labor now or wait. We wanted to wait because the next day was our 5th anniversary. Unfortunately my blood work came back and said that I had an infection so we had to stay to be induced and receive some antibiotics. I was so nervous. I kept having anxiety attacks and my blood pressure would spike really high. The nurses were very compassionate as well as my doctor. They did everything they could to make me comfortable, including stopping the medicine for a few hours so I could have a good meal and some rest. My epidural only took effect on the right side of my body so I was in some pain.

It was Sunday at 1pm that my babies were born. They were born intact with the membranes and the placenta. It didn’t hurt at all physically just emotionally. The doctor removed them and cut the cords which were very long and knotted. The babies were 3.8 and 3.6 ounces. Both were 7 inches long. They were one quarter the weight they should have been. My husband and I held them for a short time. Now I wish I would have held them a lot longer but I was so shocked at the time I just couldn’t.

We had a funeral four days later. We found out they were girls and named them. We found some beautiful dresses and tiny teddy bears. I hand made a blanket for them and wrote them a letter to put in their casket. We buried them on the family farm near our home. They have a beautiful grave site that I take care of myself. I can visit them anytime and do whatever I want there.

Jessica, Illinois

I am a mother of quadruplets

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

I am a mother of quadruplets. The excitement over carrying four babies carried me through a miserable pregnancy. I dreamed of four cribs, four bouncy seats, and of four children playing ball in the backyard. Everyone was so excited. We had tried for three years to have a baby, and God blessed us with four.

I started having contractions at sixteen weeks, and was in the hospital more or less for two months. I prayed and asked others to pray that I could hold my precious babies inside “just a little bit longer” and for a while…I was able to, but then what was meant to be…happened. At 25 weeks Alexander, Benjamin, Callie, and Donovan were delivered by c-section into a world that was not ready for them.

I was told that my babies probably would not live through the night. If they did live through the next three days, they had a thirty percent chance each of leaving the hospital. As much pain as I was in, I forced my husband to bring me my wheelchair…call the nurse…and [we] went up to the NICU to see my babies. I had to see them…in case they did not make it…

For three weeks, our little fighters were incredible…inspirational…and wonderful. My husband and I were so proud of our little darlings. I lived at the hospital…literally..for those three weeks. I occupied a room right beneath the NICU.

We got news that our Alex was very sick. They ran antibiotics..and he seemed to be responding…but then took a turn for the worse. He had renal failure…and was bloated up to three times his size. (He was one pound and four ounces at birth…and was close to three pounds at this time.) The ossillator’s oxygen and pressure levels were so high, they talked about using another machine. Finally, it was determined that the infection was in his central line. They pulled it. The infection went to his heart, where it made an enormous blood clot. All organs began shutting down. His brain swelled. My husband and I agreed to take him off of support.

Our family waited in a sterile room, private from the NICU. It was the room surgeries were performed in. The same room two of my babies had the opening between their lungs and heart closed….just hours before. It was so quiet…so final. A nurse in tears brought my swollen baby boy to me in a blue gown and blanket. He was off the ventilatior. He was dying. She tucked him in my arms. The room exploded in sobs, but I was so numb…that I just held him…kissed him…and said goodbye. He sucked his last exhausted breath in my arms. He smelled like death. He was cold. The doctor came in to pronounce the time of his death. My husband and I passed our son’s body around the room to same family members who were unable to see him in life because of the restrictions in the NICU.

We had the funeral two days later. Our three survivors made it home. They have an Angel in heaven.

Melissa, Texas

Someday he will learn that he has two angels, Alexander and Cameron

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

I had my first ultrasound at 15 weeks. To my complete surprise I found out I was having triplets. I was in shock, I was actually going to have three boys. At 18 weeks, I found out that I had TTTS. Babies A and C were the ones affected but baby B was progressing normally. I was then faced with the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I could opt for a surgery that would eliminate baby A which may or may not help baby C, but would put me at great risk for pre term labor. Even if I could save one of the affected babies, there was a strong possibility of heart and brain defects due to the TTTS. My biggest concern had to be for baby B. He needed to have time for his lungs to develop. For him, I needed to make it to 30 weeks.

I had numerous therapeutic amnios to remove the excess fluid that continued to build. I had been told that babies A and C probably would not make it, but I still held out hope. I found out at 26 weeks that baby A’s heart had stopped. It wasn’t a complete shock, but devastating nonetheless. The only thing that was keeping me going was the desire to hold it together for baby B. And it worked. At 30 weeks I went into labor.

Baby C was too small and his organs never had the chance to fully develop. He died shortly after birth. But by the grace of God Baby B had fought his way into the world. He had to stay in the NICU for 2 months, but he is doing great. His name is Riley. He is 3 years old now and aside from being on the small side, he is absolutely perfect.

Someday he will learn that he has two angels, Alexander and Cameron, that are watching over their brother and keeping him safe. It was very difficult to receive congratulatory and condolence cards at the same time. Mourning the loss of what might have been had to take a back seat to what could be. I promised myself that I would stay focused on what I was blessed with instead of what was taken from me. I firmly believe that Riley made it to this earth for a reason. Someone has plans for him and I am going to do my best to make sure that they are realized.

I know in my heart that Alexander and Cameron are being well taken care of until I can be with them. I visit their grave every week and tell them how much I love them. But I have to be thankful for being able show Riley how much I love him everyday.

Christine, St. Clair Shores, MI

I thank God everyday that I have my daughter Amanda

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

MY NAME IS DIANE. THE YEAR OF 2002, WAS NOT A GOOD YEAR FOR ME. IN MARCH I LOST MY UNCLE DUE TO CANCER, THEN WE GOT A BLESSING THAT I WAS PREGNANT EVEN THOUGH I WAS ON THE PILL. OUR 6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WAS HAPPY AND SO WERE I AND MY HUSBAND. IN JULY I WENT FOR AN ULTRASOUND AND FOUND THAT I WAS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, A BOY AND A GIRL.

WE BOUGHT A BIGGER HOUSE, MOVED IN AUGUST AND IN SEPTEMBER THE SAME MAN THAT BLESSED US WITH TWINS, TOOK AWAY THE GIRL.

I WAS UPSET. AT 20 WEEKS I LOST OUR DAUGHTER. I WAS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF THE RISK OF INFECTION. I WAS IN AND OUT [OF HOSPITAL] FOR THE REST OF MY PREGNANCY. AT 36 WEEKS OUR SON WENT INTO DISTRESS SO THEY DID AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION. HE WAS NOT BREATHING SO THEY TOOK HIM TO THE NICU UNIT. MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN AND SENT FOR AN AUTOPSY.

JOHNATHON (NAMED AFTER MY LATE UNCLE) WAS BORN WITH A CYST ON HIS BRAIN. GOING THROUGH REHAB, WE FOUND OUT THAT OUR SON AND DAUGHTER BOTH HAD STROKES INSIDE OF ME. AND BOTH SHOULD HAVE DIED.

I THANK GOD EVERY DAY THAT I HAVE MY DAUGHTER AMANDA AND MY SON JOHNATHON. HE WILL BE 1 YEAR OLD JAN 8 2004.

YOURS TRULY,

DIANE

A lot of pain mixed in with far too little joy…

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

Dee and I are two of the luckiest people we know… great jobs, surrounded by a wonderful family, great friends and absolutely emphatically in love with one another after 5 years of marriage … however, there is still one thing that continues to elude us… to have our own family. We tried having a family the old fashioned way and after 4 miscarriages, relied on a little help from the medical profession… as a result of Gonal-F, progesterone, heparin and a little good luck we were elated to see 3 fast beating hearts at 8 weeks… we were very excited…

We would be able to have our whole family at one time and be able to be part of a wonderful club of multiple birth parents… most importantly we thought that this would allow us to put a lot of our pain behind us and never have to go down that scary road again…

At 16 weeks, our excitement grew even larger when we found out we would be blessed with two boys and a girl… we felt that if this would be our family it would be great to parent at lease one child from either sex…. During the course of the pregnancy Dee had been lucky enough to become connected with a local group of triplet moms… they took her under their wing and helped to prepare her mentally for what was to come… Dee had done everything she could for out children… she gave up a great deal, all without complaining, always knowing and looking forward to her final goal… various books had told her to take on a significant number of additional calories and so she ate when she couldn’t eat any more… sometimes getting out of bed at night just to eat a granola bar and glass of milk…

On September 16th, Dee began to feel a mild and unusual pressure that was new… thanks to the warnings of the other triplet moms, Dee knew that it was best to contact the doctor… he instructed her to go to the hospital where they then hooked her up to a contraction monitor… upon seeing that she was having some contractions they began to do all the things they could to get them to stop… magnesium sulfate, antibiotics, everything… after 48 hours her contractions had appeared to have slowed and they backed off on the mag drip….

On Friday morning Dee’s water unexpectedly broke… she had dilated to 10 centimeters and there was no going back… at that point, 21 weeks, there was nothing that she or I or any of the doctors could do… our triplets would not remain in the womb… Declan, Noelle and Wyatt were born in the early afternoon of Friday… this was, without a doubt, the most horrible thing that has ever happened in either one of our lives… our children were just too small… their lungs were not developed… they could not breath… they tried… they tried so very hard… my wife and I held and cried and talked to and soothed and touched and loved our children from the very moment that they came into this world until they passed into the next…

Wyatt, the smallest of the three, held out the longest… even when he was in utero we knew that he’d be a scrapper!!! I don’t know what we would have done without the help of our nurse Fran… she shepherded us through this difficult day… she encouraged us to hold, to talk, to bath, and to cloth our babies… she gave us the chance to parent our children if only for a little while… we got to hold their little hands, to kiss their little feet, to give them all the love we had… I can’t imagine going through that day without being encouraged or able to parent our children… the grief and pain has, at times, seemed insurmountable but at least when I cry I can still feel their little hands curled around my finger, see my wife kiss their bums… just like she promised she’d do when they came into the world…

There is nothing anyone can say to ever make it easier… our lives, our hopes, the plans full of love and anticipation all evaporated and were replaced with emptiness, loneliness and fear… even as someone who has been there I can’t tell you that it will get better or that time will heal your scars … it still isn’t better for us… it still hurts as bad some times now as it did on that terrible September 19th… but hopefully time will take a little bit of the sting out of the memory and hopefully you were left with positive images that do not fade… and if we get a little lucky and the stories are true, we’ll all be together again someday in a place of love and warmth… and get the chance to hold their little hands again.

Thank you for this opportunity.

Nigel and Dee, Buffalo, New York

Angels in the Kitchen

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

It wasn’t but hours after the unexpected homecoming of our precious daughter, Susie, that we began to notice the presence of angels in the kitchen. Susie, the first born of our triplets, went home to be with the Lord on September 29th, 2002. She was just 22 months old. She had a brief bout of pneumonia that quickly and suddenly claimed her life. Susie’s death left us all struggling for answers.

Born at just over 27 weeks, our triplets were a miraculous story of survival. Susie, in particular, had numerous breathing difficulties that ultimately led to a tracheotomy and ventilator dependence. She was hospitalized for 10 months, 8 of which were spent in ICU, prior to coming home. Caring for Susie at home had its challenges, but we embraced it with great joy. Watching our precious children get to know each other again and watching them grow together was an enormous blessing.

Despite the challenges and a rough start Susie grew into a beautiful bright toddler. She was the happiest little girl you’d ever want to meet. The living room of our home was Susie’s bedroom. It provided easy access for the nursing staff and suppliers. Susie always greeted everyone with a big HI when they walked through the front door. She talked with the most charming southern drawl. We chased her around the house with all her equipment. She was as energetic as her siblings, Katie and Eddie. Slowly, with God’s grace, Susie began to heal.

The summer of 2002 was filled with lots of new adventures for us all, and especially Susie. We were able to enjoy simple pleasures like trips to the park, the pool, eating out, shopping, going to grandma’s house and much more. Susie’s favorite song was Itsy Bitsy Spider. Showing off Susie’s spider was her ice breaker. Whenever she met someone new, it was the first thing she’d show them. Susie was almost completely off her oxygen and off the ventilator nearly 22 hours a day when she suddenly became ill in mid September 2002.

In the hours following Susie’s homegoing we began to notice that Katie was fixating on the upper corner of our kitchen ceiling. This was something she’d never done before. Not only was she staring, but singing, talking and carrying on a conversation. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but it was always the exact same place every time. Then one day while I was feeding her, she began laughing and singing again. When she began to do Itsy Bitsy Spider to the ceiling, the exact same way that Susie did, I knew Katie had new friends. When asked where Susie was, Katie pointed to the spot in the kitchen corner. There were angels in the kitchen!

Since the beginning we have kept a few pictures of Susie in plastic frames down low where Katie and Eddie could reach them. They often pick up her picture, kiss it and carry it around. In the days following Susie’s homegoing, Eddie would often lay her picture on the floor of the living room where her crib once stood. Today, Katie and Eddie bring us the pictures and ask us “who’s that?” At first my husband and I were heart broken at the thought that they’d truly forgotten, until we realized “who’s that” didn’t mean they’d really forgotten, but was rather “tell me the story I love to hear so that I don’t forget! ”

Just the other day, Eddie was talking to Susie’s picture. As he called her by name, he shared his prized trains with her, tucking them in and out behind her picture, all the while continuing to talk to her. It was precious and heart warming.

Almost a year later, although much less frequent, we are comforted to know that our Lord allows angels in the kitchen. Perhaps in some small way, this is God’s way of comforting not only Katie and Eddie, but Mommy, Daddy and big sister Becky too!

Mourning

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

Alicia shares her story of loss. After losing her second twin, she is mourning the loss of one child while trying to be present for the one she is still carrying.

I have been blessed with a 2 yr old daughter whose name is Abigail. 4 weeks ago my husband and I were having a ultrasound (I was 6 wks) and discovered two babies with heartbeats! We laughed and joked all day.

We were told [it was] early [in our pregnancy and] not to get overjoyed just yet. It looked as if they were in the same sac which can lead to problems later (cord entanglement, twin to twin transfusion etc) so for the next 4 weeks we worried and waited. I just had my second ultrasound yesterday at 10 weeks…

The first twin [was] actively moving and with a strong heartbeat….we saw what we had prayed for…two seperate membranes…(two seperate sacs). However, the second twin was one week smaller and had no heartbeat…

I am now mourning the loss of one child while trying to be happy for the one I am still carrying but it is very difficult. It has been nice to read the other stories and I thought I would share mine as well.

Alicia

Memories to Cherish

Posted by Lynda Haddonon August 30, 2012August 25, 2017in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

My name is Cynthia and I’m the mother of two precious angels. I was pregnant with fraternal twins and at 18 weeks, my cervix started to dilate and I was rushed to the hospital so a cerclage [Editor’s Note: a method of binding or stitching the cervix closed in the hopes of prolonging a pregnancy] could be put in place. I was told the risk of miscarrying was still high because the membrane was showing when I went to my doctor’s office.

Therefore, my doctor had to push my amniotic sac up to insert the stitch. If an infection started because of these procedure, my body would naturally abort my baby. I was kept at the hospital for a few days after the procedure ( which is normally and outpatient procedure) for safety precautions. I was sent home and my water ruptured. I went to the emergency room and again was admitted to the hospital after a couple of days, I lost Jacob when I went the restroom with no signs this would happen. They had just taken me off the contraction monitor and nothing registered. I didn’t know what to expect a 19 week fetus to look like so I was extremely scared. I had an awesome nurse that convinced to look at my baby and hold him did and my parents arranged a funeral for him.

I stayed in the hospital because I still had my other angel to hold on to. Everything looked fine and my doctor was positive that she was a keeper. Unfortunately, after 11 days of being in the hospital I was sent home and after 3 days my water broke. The cerclage was kept in so I could try to carry the baby a little longer but I was 21 weeks and the percentage was 0% that a baby that young would survive. I started running a fever so labor had to be induced and my precious Celeste was born. I was asked if I wanted to put her on a respiratory monitor and hold her until she passes on her on.

It was a tough decision but I held her until she passed. Seeing her breath and move in my arms was tough but I will always have those memories to cherish. They are buried side by side in our family plot and I’m writing these to inform those if you experiencing loss that life does go on. Take it day by day and you will become stronger. Take pictures of your babies and hold them to tell them good-bye. Contact me if you’d like at cinzia6801@yahoo.com, I’ll be your support and you can be mine.

Take care and God Bless,

Cynthia mother of Jacob Preston born 4/22/03 and Celeste Marie born 5/7/03