My husband has wanted children since before we were married. After one year of marriage, I decided it was time to start a family. I got pregnant in March of 2005. My husband and I were so excited, we only had to try once and we were pregnant. My first trimester went very smoothly, I had no morning sickness and wasn’t very tired. I kept thinking to myself, “Am I really pregnant?”

I naturally assumed we were having one baby. At my 16 week checkup my doctor noticed how large I was. A week later we went in for an ultrasound only to discover TWINS!!!! We were so excited. I still get excited just remembering the day we found out. Both babies looked healthy, no defects were detected. The only thing noted was Aidan was 1 week bigger than Ellen. Nobody mentioned this was a problem. My doctor didn’t even come in to see me that day.

A week and a half later I started having false contractions. This was my first pregnancy and I had no idea what to expect. I went back to my doctor who said I shouldn’t worry about contractions unless they became regular. I was to find out that contractions were not the problem. The doctor flipped through my file and told me my AFP test came back positive. She said that most positive AFP tests were false positive. I tried not to worry. She also casually stated, “Oh, but there is quite a size difference.” She told me not to worry, but I had a feeling this was bad.

At week 19 we went in for a Level II ultrasound. I had been positively sick with worry the past two weeks. I tried to convince myself that all was well. It wasn’t. The ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. Ellen had spina bifida, a mild case though. This wasn’t even the worst of it. She also had a velementous cord connection (poor cord connection to the placenta). She was undersized, and the doctors did not think she would make it. My husband and I were crushed. Aidan was doing very well, he was at the 83% percentile as far a size, a little larger than his gestational age. Nobody said this was a problem.

On Thursday after work, my husband came home to find me in a very bad mood. I broke down crying and told him that I had not felt any kicking movement all day. We called the doctor who said I should get a good meal in and rest to see if that stimulated any movement. It didn’t. The next day, my husband insisted that we go in to the hospital to find out what was going on. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want to hear the truth.. my babies were dead. It was confirmed, they indeed had died. This was the absolute worst day of our lives. I still have trouble believing all this happened.

My doctors think that my babies were sharing blood between their placentas, TTTS. The odd thing is that my babies were fraternal twins, not identical. I didn’t think this could happen between fraternal twins. The cord connection may have had something to do with it. We are still awaiting the autopsy results to confirm what happened.

It has only been two weeks since my Aidan and Ellen became my angel babies. Most days are sad for me. I cry a lot, wish a lot and just feel hopeless. I know in time I will start to feel better. I don’t think this feeling will ever go away, I am going to have to learn to live with it. I love my babies and I know they love me. They are safe in heaven somewhere watching over me and my husband.

Erin, Mommy to Angels Aidan and Ellen

 

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