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Multiples in School

To separate them or not? Parent Tips.

 

A concern of raising multiple-birth children is whether or not they should be together in the same class or separated and which would benefit each child’s personal development.  In some schools there may or may not be enough classes of the same grade to facilitate each child being in separate classes so the decision is moot.  Also some school systems have the blanket rule that all multiples must be separated.  In order to assist you in making the decision regarding placing your children, the following offers consideration for both separating the children and leaving them together.

Pros to Separation

Although there is no substantial evidence to support the policy that multiples must be placed in separate classrooms in order for them to grow and develop as individuals, there are some circumstances which would indicate that separation is advisable.  Here are some examples when separation may be in the best interests of each child:

  • constant “togetherness” is hindering the development of social skills in one or more;
  • a “division of labour” exists;
  • insensitive comparisons by teachers or peers have led to feelings of inadequacy in one or more of the multiples, “your brother can do his math, why can’t you?”;
  • the multiples form a “power unit” which is causing disruptive behaviour, won’t stay in their seats, throw objects at each other, constantly talking to each other;
  • the kids use their status to exploit, cheat or play tricks, e.g. bullying, exchange places, blame their sibling or others;
  • one or more of the multiples appears to resent the lack of privacy resulting from sharing a classroom “She won’t leave me alone,” sullenness on the part of one;
  • one multiple proves to be a constant distraction to the other;
  • in opposite-sex multiples, the female (usually) is overprotective or “mothering” of the male co-multiple;
  • in skill-grouped classrooms where the abilities of one multiple are far above those of his co-multiple; and
  • the multiples WANT to be separated.

Evaluations/observations of multiples’ behaviour and development need to be regularly as well as annually monitored as issues can be evident in one year and absent the next.

Cons to Separation

Sometimes there are valid reasons for keeping multiples together:

  • major emotional upheavals may have occurred within the family, e.g. death, divorce, moving house, illnesses, etc and the presence of their co-multiple can be a calming factor;
  • only one classroom is available;
  • unequal education due to two different teachers employing different teaching methods and each multiple’s learning abilities; and
  • multiples are at or near the same skill level in a skill-based classroom.

Recommendations regarding school placement:

  1. It is not recommended to separate multiples who want to be together. Forced separation can damage self-esteem, inhibit language development and delay learning.
  2. It is not recommended to automatically separate multiples in their first year of school. There are many firsts in primary school: lining up, waiting your turn, noise levels, day run by a clock, away from Mom and Dad, new routines, etc. so why should they also be separated from each other at such a young age? Separation can add to the stress of starting school and may actually increase the multiples’ need to be together.
  3. All multiples need as much independence as they are ready/able to handle. Multiples flourish when allowed to separate on their own timetable. Together or not can be evaluated each year. As the multiples grow older, they will have input as to whether or not they should or want to be together.
  4. Encourage multiples to choose separate classes and preferred activities as they gain confidence in the school situation.
  5. Decisions as to whether or not the children should be together needs to be made by a team approach: the parents, teachers and principal. Educators need to realize that parents know their children best and for an easier transition to school, a parental opinion needs to be considered.
  6. If multiples are in the same classroom, they can still be in separate settings within the classes.
  7. Especially if your children look alike, make it easy on the teachers and students and dress them differently so that they are easily recognized and seen as individuals;
  8. Parent/teacher interviews need to reflect how each child is doing as compared to the other children in the classroom and not in comparison to each other.
  9. You may wish to indicate you would like an interview per child. Sometimes teachers expect one interview to talk about the multiples together and that can be confusing and unfair as comparisons tend to be to each other rather than their peer group. When compared to each other, one or more is usually presented as “better” than the other(s).
  10. In middle school, I didn’t point out that my girls were twins as they were in separate classes and wanted them be evaluated on their own merits across the board. In a phone conversation with a teacher, my inner voice was letting me know it felt uneasy about the way the conversation was progressing. I felt the need to say, “You do realize that she is a twin?” (my girls do not look or act alike at all). “No,” she said, “I just assumed one failed. That explains a lot.” Without my speaking up, my one twin’s file would have reflected her as “Failed” for the rest of her school journey. Recognize when to speak up and when to let things be as normal and individual as possible.
  11. It is recommended that class placement in classes be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, reevaluations occur on a annual basis and that parents, teachers and principals are included in the decision-making. As the children get older, it is also recommended that they have their input considered as well.

 

Pat Preedy (UK) provides this important note for Parents:  “The critical thing is developing “mature dependence” starts as soon as the children are born.  For multiples who are mature dependents, it actually doesn’t matter whether they are together or apart – they function as individuals and enjoy being a multiple.”

 

Sources:

Multiples in School, Multiple Births Canada, www.multiplebirthscanada.org

Placement of Multiple Birth Children in School, A Guide for Educators, Multiples of America (formerly National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, Inc.) www.multiplesofamerica.org

 

Additional Resources:

Web Site:  www.twinsandmultiples.org, Educational Web Site for Multiples in School, Pat Preedy, M.Ed., B.Ed. (UK) and Professor David Hay (Australia)

Books

Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples, Christina Baglivi Tinglof, 2007

Understanding Multiple Birth Children and How they Learn, John Mascazine

The Joy of Twins by Pamela Patrick Novotny, 1988

Twins, Triplets, and More, Elizabeth M. Bryan, 1992

The Art of Parenting Twins, Patricia Maxwell Malmstrom and Janet Poland, 1999

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Simultaneous Breastfeeding (Photos Included)

Did you ever think you’d ever be considering nursing two babies at once? Probably not. I know I didn’t. Also known as tandem nursing or breastfeeding, simultaneous feeding can be an effective way to get both babies on the same schedule, and save you a significant amount of time in the long run!

Settle yourself in a comfortable spot and have both babies within reach. It isn’t unusual to have one baby who is a better sucker than the other. If this is you, latch Baby A, the “better sucker,” on first. When the Baby B is ready to be latched, take your free arm and place it over, around ultimately underneath Baby B with your palm supporting his head. Lift Baby B to your breast and you an focus on making sure he is properly latched. With practice, you will be able to hold your settled Baby A in place with your elbow to leave your lower same arm free to help latch Baby B. Make sure that you bring the babies to you and not you to the babies or you very soon get a sore back. Good posture is essential.

When nursing triplets, you might have Baby C in a chair on the floor in front with a propped bottle of breast milk simultaneously feeding. OR as an alternative and if that Baby C is not fussing, you may wait until Babies A and B have each nursed at least 10 minutes, then put Baby C to the each breast for 5 MINUTES each side. The demand will quickly increase your supply. Keeping a record of which baby fed where will be essential, and at the following feed, Baby C will be one of the ones to be tandem fed at the breast. In other words, rotate them each feed. The Jumelle Twin and Baby Tracking App will help you easily keep track of which baby fed when, where and for how long.

Ask anyone nursing multiples, and they will tell you that simultaneous breastfeeding is also a challenge, requires focus and patience and everyone practices getting latched and fed. It is worth the effort though and as the babies mature, things get easier. As a mother of multiples, you likely have questions about how to most effectively feed your babies. Sometimes the responsibility of feeding more than one baby can feel overwhelming, and you may worry that you won’t produce enough milk. Despite its many challenges, simultaneous breastfeeding is a great time saver! It will get your two babies on the same schedule, and can therefore be worth the effort. If you plan ahead and receive the support you need, you can certain successfully breastfeed two babies. If at any time you are feeling overwhelmed or worried about your babies’ weight gain, see a certified, registered lactation consultant who is familiar with simultaneous breastfeeding and she can properly assess what is going with you and your precious bundles.

Following are some drawings and photos which demonstrate a variety of positions for simultaneous breastfeeding of two babies/toddlers through a combination of holds: cradle holds, football holds, one lying down and then in a saddle hold while the little ones sit on Momma’s knees. Finding what works for you and your babies will make things run smoothly. Keep in mind that as the babies grow, by necessity, you may need to look trying other positions.

It may be that back-to-back feedings are what works best for your family, even from time to time.

If you find one or both babies are scratching you and pinching your breasts as they feed or maybe poking at each other, this is normal behaviour but it is also painful. A couple of hints to handle such a situation is to either put socks on their hands before each feed (they stay on better than mittens), or wear a nursing necklace for the babies to fiddle with. Some Moms wear two necklaces in case of competition. The idea is to provide some distraction to stop the painful behaviour.

 

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11 Breastfeeding Tips

NOTE: The following suggestions on breastfeeding multiples are provided as information only. If you have any concerns about your particular situation, please check with a Lactation Consultant or your doctor.

Your breasts are going to make milk anyway, so why not give it a try and see where it leads? You may be pleasantly surprised!

  • If you run into any difficulties breastfeeding, get help right away. Don’t wait. Sometimes the answer(s) is very simple and a consultation with a Lactation Consultant may identify the problem and have everyone back on track very quickly.
  • Yes, enough milk can be produced for two or even three babies. Milk production is based on demand and supply. Frequent nursing stimulates breasts to meet nursing demands. Three things postively impact milk supply and production: a) frequent feedings of the babies; b) healthy eating, drinking and snacks; and c) keeping stress levels as low as possible.
  • Simultaneous feedings help get babies on the same schedule and saves an enormous amount of time. Most mothers of multiples feed simultaneously or one after another. Your babies will let you know which method works best for them.
  • Breastfeeding twinsAlternate breasts at each feed. It will be necessary to prepare a schedule so that you can remember who ate at which breast and when. By alternating breasts two important issues are addressed: a) one baby may be a better (stronger) sucker than the another thus stimulating the breast differently. Therefore, alternating breasts encourages both breasts to produce enough milk; b) when a baby only nurses at one breast, the lower eye doesn’t get equal opportunity to focus, look around and strengthen (an older nursing baby [i.e 6 months or so] will always look up, make eye contact and smile at you – it makes one’s heart turn over with love). Alternating breasts gives each of the baby’s eyes a chance to perform properly.
  • It isn’t unusual to have one baby who is a stronger sucker . When settling down for a simultaneous feeding, put the stronger sucker to the breast first then spend time settling and arranging the second baby. Keeps everyone happier.
  • For triplets or more , it may be necessary to introduce some formula before the milk supply is fully established. There are a couple of choices within this situation: a) top up each baby after a breast feed; b) feed two by breast and one by bottle, alternating who gets which at each feed (a schedule will need to be kept for equal opportunities). A helpful idea for increasing breast milk with triplets is to feed two babies, at each breast, followed by the third one on each breast. S uch a routine provides optimum opportunity to increase milk supply to meet the demand.
  • If you can, pump after each feed , collecting and freezing pumped breast milk for bottle feeding. Label and date the bottles. Following is a guide for storing breast milk:
    At room temperature – 10 hours
    In the fridge – 8 days
    In a fridge freezer – 2 weeks
    In a deep freeze – 6 months or longer

    Previously frozen breast milk can be kept in the fridge for 24 hours. Do not refreeze previously frozen breast milk.*

  • Never microwave breast milk . The high temperature affects its nutritional value. Breast milk defrosts very quickly in a bowl of hot water in the kitchen sink. The milk itself need not be hot, room temperature will do.
  • Using a twin nursing pillow is a real advantage. This larger pillow can comfortably cradle two babies at a time and allows burping/changing one while the other continues to feed.
  • Breast feeding is a learned art , for both mother and babies. Be patient, give it time and, if necessary, get some help.
  • Babies hit a growth spurt at about 6 weeks. As a result, they may feed more often. Many Moms interpret shorter times between feeds as they don’t have enough milk. Consequently, they become discouraged and quit nursing. Continuing to nurse will soon rebuild the milk supply to meet the demand. Don’t give up too soon.

Mothering Multiples: Breastfeeding & Caring for Twins & More, by Karen Kerkhoff Gromada, La Leche League International, 1999

Other Resources

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Grandparenting Multiples: Hints, Do’s and Don’ts

Lynda gratefully acknowledges the support and input of two Exceptional Grandmothers, Adiva Sotzsky and Sue Purdon, in preparing this article.

I love the bumper sticker that reads “If I had known what fun having grandchildren were, I would have had them first!”

Grandfather with twinsBasically that says it all. A time of their lives that many parents look forward to is to the time they will become Grandparents. While we have enjoyed (and asked ourselves along the way “What the heck am I doing?  I am useless at this!”) the journey of raising our own children, the time of becoming a grandparent, is an exciting and natural progression in Life’s Journey. But wait a minute, there’s more – not only are you to become grandparents, you are to become grandparents to twins, triplets, quadruplets or more. It doesn’t get more exciting than that?

As parents yourselves, you have “been there, done that” and when your grandchildren arrive, it can be very tempting to rush in, offering advice, shortcuts, feedback and opinions regarding parenting style to the new parents. Add to that the 20/20 hindsight of your own parenting experience, and of course you have lots to offer! Who wouldn’t want to share their years of experience with the ones they love and to help them avoid some of the mistakes you made? After all children don’t come with instructions.

Grandmother with multiplesAh, if it was only so simple. Grandparents are an important part of the childrearing equation but grandparents also walk a very fine line. It isn’t unusual for grandparents to either attend the births of their grandchildren and/or to at least move into the family home for a few weeks after the births to help the new family establish routines and get accustomed to their roles as round-the-clock caretakers. The more difficult part of the equation for grandparents, is to support the family while allowing the parents (i.e. their own children whom are now parents) to discover their own balance, make their own mistakes and find their own comfort levels. Grandparents need to remember that, while their children’s parenting choices may not mirror their own, these new parents have a right to learn in the their own manner and also benefit from the expertise and helping hands around them. It is a wise grandparent who knows when to be loving, sympathetic, caring and when to also hold his/her tongue.

Children greatly benefit from contact with the different generations. As a result of such interactions, children have a first hand “peek” into their history, roots and Family Tree, learning about “the olden days” as stories from their grandparents’ lives unfold. We all like to know about our roots and where we come from and children are no exception. Such stories from grandparents offer a sense of belonging, comfort and continuity. Along the way, the grandchildren can also enjoy some special attention from their grandparents. Prolonged bedtimes, favorite foods or the relaxation of parental rules and regulations make the grandparent-grandchild relationship unique.

There is no doubt that being a grandparent is a rewarding and exhilarating experience. But (yes, there is a “but”), there are some very important points to be aware of which can help grandparents be an important, loving, caring, sharing part of their grandchildren’s lives.

Being grandparents to multiples involves some additional layers of which even the most involved grandparent needs to be aware. The following hints and tips have been prepared to assist you in being the best support system you can be, while remaining a positive, caring and extremely important person in not only your grandchildren’s lives, but in the lives of their parents’ as well.

Congratulations on becoming the Grandparents (or Great-Grandparents) of twins, triplets, quadruplets or more!!!

Before your multiple-birth grandchildren arrive, educate yourselves so that you can get an accurate idea of what having twins, triplets or more entails. There are many excellent books on multiple births available which can enlighten you as to what the parents are facing.  You can find some of the titles here.

You may wish to talk to other parents or grandparents of multiples or join your local Multiple Birth Support Chapter. They have regular meetings, educational speakers, can recommend appropriate Internet Sites and much more. Many Grandparents have taken my Multiple Birth Prenatal Classes to learn firsthand how they can be the best support they can be to the new parents. Grandparents have taken the classes and passed along the information and handouts to their children who live in areas of Canada with no such prenatal support systems. They have even sent prenatal information Overseas to their families posted abroad. How’s that for commitment?  Educating yourselves before the babies’ arrival will assist you in becoming a positive and supportive Grandparent and a tremendous asset to the new parents. 

If you are parents of multiples yourselves, you already have a pretty good idea of what the parents will be facing. Nevertheless, it will be important that you remember to be supportive to the parents and not try to compare your own parenting experiences with their current one. Even in one generation, times and parenting practices can change. It is important to remember that the new parents need love, support and their own chance to parent. They don’t need judgments or unsolicited remarks.

Which leads us to: Don’t give advice unless you are asked. Remember that everyone is learning and doing the best that they can. The parents are no doubt already feeling overwhelmed and somewhat out of control. In the heat of the moment, unsolicited advice or judgmental comments will not make things better. It is very tempting to sometimes speak up and offer advice, but the wise person knows when to keep quiet. If you really feel that you may have a piece of helpful advice, wait until a quiet moment and express yourself using supportive, caring and loving words.

Here’s another important rule: Don’t judge your children’s parenting style. The advice and experience that you have accumulated cannot be denied, but it is important to remember that you remain the Grandparent and not the parent. If you do step in and either comment or “take over”, you will be undermining the parents’ authority with their children. While you may not agree with the parents’ choices or decisions, they ultimately, have the final say.

You have an important contribution to make each time you visit. The new parents are on duty 24-hours a day (remember?). They may be sleep deprived, falling apart at the seams, overwhelmed and feeling very guilty about it. You might take the initiative and suggest that the parents take a little break. For example, suggest they go for a walk around the block, to a movie or a local coffee shop for some relationship time. Or you may offer to take one baby for a walk in order to change the family group dynamics for a short while. Even these small respites can be valuable for everyone in the family.

If you are in doubt about how to help out, ASK what you can do to assist. Let the parents tell you what they need. It could be anything from throwing in a load of laundry, preparing a meal, bathing a baby or just listening. Do not underestimate the healing power of listening (with no judgments, of course). You can no doubt remember how overwhelmed you felt at times. While the feelings of being overwhelmed will have not changed, parents feel much better when they feel heard and someone is sympathetic to their situation. Listening goes a long way to getting one back on track in order to tackle the task at hand (Gosh, that lesson can be applied in many other areas of our lives too!).

You may look around and see some jobs that might be done. DON’T WAIT TO BE ASKED. Clean up the kitchen, throw in a load of laundry, pick up a crying baby, make a nutritious meal, cut the grass or shovel the snow. Sometimes an overwhelmed parent can’t voice what they might need but can appreciate someone taking the initiative. 

(Author’s Note: These two previous points seem contradictory and you are right, they are! What you need to evaluate is when to ask what is needed in the way of help and when to be proactive and take on a task without being asked. You will also need not to be critical or act as if you are “taking over.” Didn’t I warn you that you walk a fine line? I have faith in you – you can do it!)

Do not “fight” the parents for the babies. If you live a long distance away and your visits are few and far between, you will relish every moment with your grandchildren. However, “fighting” the parents for the babies’ care, will not win you any brownie points. More often than not, the parents are trying to establish a routine with their babies. Having you step in and try to “wrestle” one away from them, will only make things unpleasant for all of you. If the parents are involved with the children, perhaps offer to do a job around the house (e.g. wash the kitchen floor or vacuum a room or two.). You will be a hero and there will still remain lots of time to interact with and care for the babies.

If you live within driving distance and it is possible, set aside one day a week to come into the home and look after the babies, allowing some personal time for Mom & Dad and any siblings. This is extremely helpful during the initial few weeks after the babies’ arrival. Such was the case with one family and Mom felt secure in that she knew that every Thursday her parents would make the 2-hour drive to her house to care for the babies, feed them, bathe them and do some laundry. All she needed to do that day was to nurse them. If things got hectic earlier in the week, she knew she only had to make it until Thursday when she would receive some much needed adult conversation and loving support. As the children grew, they too began to look forward to their Grandparents’ visits.

Make a nutritious meal. Double the recipe and put some away in the freezer. It is very difficult for parents with twin, triplet or quadruplet newborns (and sometimes singletons too) to have the time to cook meals. This could work out very well as you all sit down to share the meal, stories and the day’s events with each other.

This Rule is a Golden One: Do not play favorites amongst your grandchildren. In reality, it may be that you do prefer one grandchild over another but IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT YOU DO NOT LET YOUR PREFERENCE SHOW. Children pick up very quickly if they are the favorite or not. To not feel like a favored child is extremely difficult on a child’s self-esteem and can result in long-term negative feelings and even to bad feelings and jealousy between the children themselves. Treat each grandchild equally. Every grandchild deserves to feel cherished and loved by all of the adults in their lives.

If you live in the same area as your children and grandchildren, you may be able to take a baby/child home overnight on a rotating basis. Be sure and have age-appropriate toys, books and clothing on hand. Find out what interests each child and gear your play towards his/her interests. You will need to be prepared to engage in appropriate age level play. Each of you will benefit from this one-on-one time and you will learn much about your grandchild that you never would have noticed in the group setting. (WARNING: In the process, be prepared to rediscover your own inner child as rhymes, stories and songs come back to you from your own and your children’s childhoods!)

If you do not live in the same area as your grandchildren, learn to work the computer! Once you get the hang of it, you will enjoy this rewarding and very easy way to keep in touch. Connect to Skype or Face Time and e-mail and write to your grandchildren often. You will make important connections that you, and they, will cherish for a lifetime. The Internet is a wonderful medium for sharing uptodate photos of your grandchildren with friends and family. With a scanner, photos can quickly and cheaply be sent so you can see the changes in your grandchildren as they grow and thrive. Computers today are user-friendly and it takes no time at all to learn how to work your way around them. My 85-year old mother and nearly 89-year old father-in-law were regular computer users and our children thought their grandparents were “cool” for knowing how to use them. Shop around for competitive prices and give it a try.

Remember that your multiple birth grandchildren are individuals even though they share the same birthday. They will not necessarily have the same interests, talents or abilities. Keep in mind their uniqueness, individual interests and capabilities, especially when buying them gifts. Grandparents often like to be fair and spend equal amounts of money on each grandchild. Depending upon what you are purchasing, it may be more advantageous to focus on their individual interests rather than the amount of money spent on each gift. 
 Or if you feel strongly about spending equally, make up the difference in price of gifts with a cash top up.

Speaking of gifts: Don’t necessarily feel that you need to purchase the same gift for each child. Variety gives the children a broader toy/book base from which to choose. However if you notice that each grandchild prefers a particular toy, you may purchase two (or three or four) in order to reduce any arguing over it. In such cases, put each child’s initial on the bottom of the toy so that it is clear to all who owns it. We all know that a child often wants the exact toy that their sibling is currently enjoying. By putting initials on the toy, you can patiently explain that his/her toy is on the shelf and ready to be played with. You might also consider purchasing a game that everyone can play together. Be prepared to join in if you choose this latter route.

Don’t be overly worried if you cannot tell your multiple birth grandchildren apart if they look quite a bit alike. Even monozygotic multiples are not completely alike despite what you hear. Focus on their differences and not how alike they are. Spending time with each child alone will enable you to quickly recognize those differences (e.g. hair whorl, a mole or freckle, shape of earlobes, body language.)

Grandchildren love to hear about their parents especially when their parents were young. So dust off those memories, give them a good shake to get rid of the cobwebs and reconnect to your own experiences with your own children. You will love sharing every second and your grandchildren will love listening (WARNING: Habit forming. Be prepared to have to repeat your stories time and time again.).

Don’t forget singleton siblings of your multiple birth grandchildren. As you can appreciate, they will need extra love, hugs and encouragement as they make the transition from “centre of the universe” to big brother or sister. Your attention, inclusion, patience and understanding can be very important at this critical time in their young lives as they adjust to the new family structure. Your ongoing support will provide them with the reassurances that they continue to be an important and much loved part of the family.

Make sure that you are aware of the many unique Safety Issues around multiples. Two, three or four toddlers can physically accomplish many tasks that a singleton could not. Together they can push a chair across the kitchen floor in order to climb up on the counters. One child will have “the plan” and the others will help carry it out (how they communicate “the plan” to each other remains a mystery). Remember when you are looking after them that when one falls down and skins his knee, you remain responsible for others at the same time. While attending to the child in need, you will need to be aware of the proximity of his/her co-siblings. The consequences of not doing so could be dire. To learn more about safely looking after your multiple birth grandchildren, check out the article Multiples and Safety. Being aware of the possible pitfalls ahead of time could save someone’s life. You may want to think about taking a First Aid Course before the grandchildren visit you.

As we age, it may be necessary for grandparents to take any of several types of medication, e.g. blood pressure control pills, daily aspirin for heart problems, diabetes control medications, vitamin supplements, iron pills and/or many others. Over the years your home has also become less “child proof” and some of these medications may be found on bedside tables. When your grandchildren are visiting, make sure that all medications have been collected and have been put out of reach of their exploring hands. Many children are poisoned each year by ingesting medications that they have found while visiting Gramma and Grampa. Don’t let your grandchildren become one of those statistics.

There are often two sets, or more, of Grandparents (and sometimes even Great Grandparents) in the equation. If this is your situation, don’t compete with each other as to who is or who can be the “better” grandparents. Don’t bother with who gave the better or bigger gift or even who spent more hours with them. Negativity takes a lot of energy. Don’t make the parents have to choose sides. To follow this path will cost all of you in many ways. Take your energy and focus on the beauty of the gift of grandchildren that you share in common. You are all important to your grandchildren and to their parents. Each grandparent provides unique experiences for their grandchild. Take this time and opportunity to experience harmony, family, loving, and caring. Everyone will benefit.

There is an African proverb: It takes a village to raise a child. Each of us can make a positive difference in a child’s life. It would be tragic to not take these opportunities to do so. Grandparents and great-grandparents are an integral part of the support system that children need so they can grow and flourish.

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Do Twins Run in the Family?

A question I am asked a lot.  Here are several factors to influence whether or not twins run in families:

1)    How many children you already have, i.e. after having two or three, Mom may have at least twins;

2)    Age of Mom at conception, i.e. chances are higher of spontaneous conception (without fertility assistance) after the age of 30 and even higher after the age of 35 years.  Having said that, I have worked with a 16-year old and an 18-year old, both of whom conceived twins spontaneously.

3)    The closer they are to you in your Family Tree, the more likely it will be that you will conceive at least twins.  So, if your grandmother or aunt had twins versus a second-cousin the chances of conceiving multiples would be higher.

4)    MULTIPLES DO NOT SKIP A GENERATION.  That is an Old Wives’ Tale.  Important to be aware of.

5)    Dizygotic (fraternal) twins occur because the Mother dropped at least two eggs in her fertility cycle and both were fertilized.  There is always enough sperm available for fertilization, but there needs to be at least two eggs.

6)    We do not know what happens to the fertilized egg to have Monogygotic (identical) multiples occur.  It is rare, but not impossible, to have monozygotic triplets and quadruplets. The Dionne Quintuplets are the only recorded monozygotic quintuplets.  I have a girlfriend who is a triplet and her brothers are monozygotic so what ever happened to their egg in the womb causing it to split, did not happen with hers.  We do not always get to know everything.  Also interesting with her birth is that they were their parents’ first children and they went on to have 7 more children, none of whom were multiples.

7)    Multiples can have multiples.  Happens more often than one would think.

8)    If you have one set of multiples, there is a very good chance you will have another set in a subsequent pregnancy.  We had one special Canadian family with 9 children, including 4 sets of twins!

9)    Multiples begin at some point in families and start somewhere, so perhaps you are the lucky couple.

10)   Just so you are aware, the gender of twins is generally broken down in thirds:  1/3 are boys, 1/3 are girls and 1/3 are boy/girl.

This amazing photo below shows how one family’s lineage worked out.  It was shared by my friend Bonnie.

The lovely monozygotic young ladies in the back row are her daughters.  Next to them stand their monozygotic twin cousins (sons of Bonnie’s youngest sister).  In the front row are Bonnie’s husband’s nephew’s boy/girl twins.  Next to them are dizygotic boys, belonging to Bonnie’s  brother’s daughter.  This family has two sets of monozygotic twins and two sets of dizyogtic twins…….so far!

Family with generations of twins

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All About Teething

Teething can be a challenging time not only for babies but for parents too. It can be very difficult to witness your babies’ upset and uncomfortable. Some babies have a rough time cutting teeth, while others seem to have a much easier time of it. Teething can result in fussy, unhappy, sleep-deprived babies and parents.

Teething usually begins around 6 months of age. But it is normal for teething to start at any time between 3 and 12 months of age. By the time our children are about 3 years of age, they will have all 20 primary teeth. The lower front teeth usually make an appearance first*, while back molars are some of the last to erupt.

There are several signs that babies are teething. Note: It may be that your multiples will not all begin teething at the same time, and that is OK. Each child is different.

  • Crankiness/irritability/fussiness
  • Jamming hands or fists into the mouth and chewing
  • Pulling at ears/rubbing face
  • Swollen/puffy gums
  • Biting/chewing on things; everything goes into the mouth
  • Excessive drooling
  • Excessive crying, trouble sleeping
  • Diarrhea and/or very red buttocks
  • There may or may not be a fever, even a slight one, associated with teething
  • Usually after a tooth has erupted, there is a decrease in intensity of the symptoms until they cease.

teethingHow can I help my children get through teething?

Here are some suggestions to help soothe your babies:

Massage baby’s gum with a clean finger (make sure your fingernail is not too long) or a chilled, damp washcloth. You may see your baby “lean into it” as massage can help ease the discomfort.

Try a rubber, liquid-filled teething toy to relieve the need for chewing. Chilling the teething ring in the fridge can be soothing. You may need to try a couple of them before one is accepted.

Excessive drooling accompanies teething. Keep a bib on baby or you will be changing outfits every couple of hours, wipe face regularly to prevent skin irritation and change babies frequently at the first sign of any rash or irritation on their buttocks.

General Tips about Teething from Parents of Multiples

Teething babies will gnaw on just about anything they can get their hands on, so make sure that your home is thoroughly baby-proofed.

“I picked up one of the twins and he immediately sunk his mouth on my shoulder and bit down – hard! We both ended up yelling.”

Even when only one baby is teething, don’t sit him/her near each other to play as s/he can easily take their co-multiple’s hand, place it in their own mouth and chow down. One mother of boy/girl twins shared that her daughter was the biter and her son was covered with welts and red marks from being bitten, including one on his cheek.

If you are breastfeeding your babies, expect to have your nipples bitten and chewed on. It can be a surprise each time it happens.

If one, both or more babies are showing continued, extreme discomfort around teething, check with your family doctor. S/he may prescribe an infant painkiller for a time. Don’t give your babies any medications without speaking to your doctor first.

When Should my Children See a Dentist?

Generally a child should first see a dentist six months after the eruption of the first tooth. Seeing a dentist at an early age is the best way to prevent problems such as tooth decay, parents can learn how to support their children with dental hygiene, and the visit reinforces with children the importance of good oral health.**

*Teething and Your Baby: Symptoms and Teething Remedies
**When Should My Child First See a Dentist?

Lynda P. Haddon

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5 Secrets of Successful Parenting of Multiples

Children don’t come with instruction manuals and even though there are some wonderful books available providing hints and tips for successful parenting multiples, these hints and tips are missing the emotion that also occurs around a child’s challenging behaviour.  It isn’t unusual to feel discouraged, realize you were not as patient as you might have been, or raised your voice to an “outside voice,” or even to contemplate resignation from the position of parent – some days are just like that!  All parents get discouraged and wonder what the heck is going on with their own behaviour.  Sometimes speaking with parents with children a little older than yours is really helpful and allows you to see a possible light at the end of the tunnel.

Raising multiples has challenges, not the least of which is having two, three or four children of the same age, which does not ensure a one-rule policy will work, or that each multiple will respond the same way to the household rules.  Add to the mix the different sexes within the multiple set and things can be very bumpy indeed.

Here are some ideas and hints to help you with your parenting duties and hopefully make things run a little more smoothly in your household.  Keep in mind that this is not a complete list……

Keep Calm and Carry On – If you think you are really going to lose your cool.  Make sure the children are safe and step out of the room for a short while.  Take a bathroom break or make yourself a cup of coffee.  If the children are old enough to understand, indicate that you cannot talk about what is going on at the moment and you need to take a break and you will talk later.  There is no rule that says you have to have all the answers immediately.  Giving yourself a time out can be wise; get your act together and go back some time later for discussion and feedback.

The Same But Different – Do NOT compare the children to each other.  It can be difficult enough for singletons to be compared to each other, maybe you’ve had that experience yourself as a child.  Just because they have arrived in twos, threes, fours or more, they will not like the same thing at the same time, have the same interests, same abilities, creativities or skills.  Don’t let anyone else compare them to each other either.

Another point here – do NOT constantly dress them alike.  Big mistake, as the boundaries blur and they become a lump rather than distinct individuals.  Ask yourself “Am I dressing them alike because I like the attention it brings to me?”  If the answer is “Yes,” please carefully reconsider and think about the future for your children who will have to go it alone and who will be hindered by their reinforced presentation as a package rather than as their own person.

Mark my Words…. – There are conflicting thoughts on making you, as a parent, carry through and I have often read that once you’ve made a decision, don’t go back on it.  Mostly I agree with following through with discipline, but I found as my children got older and were able to explain why such-and-such happened, I sometimes felt I needed to rethink the punishment.  I had been making a decision from my perspective and with the explanation, it became clearer why the culprit (in my eyes) did what she did.  The argument against reversing your decision is that the children will see you as “weak” and try to take advantage at every turn.   For me each interaction needs to be assessed on its own merits and if there is a very good explanation, I have no problem with doing a flip with the punishment.

Joined at the Hip – Your multiples are NOT required to be together 24/7.  Encourage them to each have their own friends, hobbies, likes and dislikes.  They do not have to go everywhere together. Don’t go calling a parent who invites only one multiple to a party (that parent may not even be aware they are multiples – it is most likely not personal).  Each child is a separate entity and needs to have the time and space to separate from their co-multiple and be free.  In this way each can grow to enjoy their origins and also learn to fly on their own.

1 comment on “Kangaroo Care For Infants”

Kangaroo Care For Infants

Definition

Kangaroo care has become increasingly popular for newborn infants, especially preterm or low birth weight, whereby an infant is held skin-to-skin against the chest of an adult, usually the parents.  Ideally kangaroo care will begin right after birth and continue for as long as is possible, although short periods of time are also beneficial to babies and parents.

Process

Kangaroo care - mother and twinsMom and/or Dad/partner are usually wearing an over-sized shirt, large hospital gown or loose clothing exposing their chest.  The nearly naked (diaper only) infant is placed directly on mother/father’s exposed chest and the shirt wrapped snugly around baby, drawing him into the parent’s chest where he settles and snuggles.  Instead of a shirt, a warm blanket can be used to cover the infant(s) on parent’s chest to draw her close.

Two babies, and sometimes more, can be held at the same time on a parent’s chest with support from a nurse or the other parent.  If there are tubes and wires on a baby, be sure and check with the nursing staff before going ahead with kangaroo care.  It is also good for the babies to be together.  Every hospital has its own policy regarding Kangaroo Care, so check with your hospital to find out what their policy is.

Benefits for Babies:

  • Father and newborn, kangaroo carehelps stabilize heart rate and regulates breathing
  • improves oxygen saturation levels
  • more rapid weight gain
  • helps maintain baby’s body warmth
  • babies easily accessible for easier breast feeding
  • helps relax and sooth babies, spends less time crying
  • more alert time
  • can hear heart beat, replicating womb experience
  • earlier hospital discharge
  • all newborns benefit from kangaroo care, not just low birth weight and/or preterm infants

Benefits for Parents

  • builds confidence knowing you are offering your infants intimate care and a loving start
  • early closeness to the babies promotes bonding
  • baby easily accessible for breast feeding (when with mother)
  • slows parents down to focus on their infants and less worry about other matters
  • can offer “closure” to having Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) babies

Bibiliography

 

0 comments on “Raising Multiple Birth Children”

Raising Multiple Birth Children

Although the rate of multiple births has skyrocketed in recent years, many parents of twins and triplets find that they are struggling to cope with the emotional, psychological, and financial pressures of parenting more than one baby. This book by William and Sheila Laut is a survival guide for the parents of multiples. It contains a compendium of tips and techniques collected from parents of multiple births across the country.

Raising Multiple Birth Children By William and Sheila Laut, 1999.

The chapters include:

Raising Multiple Birth Children1) “Congratulations, and Fasten Your Seat Belt!” focusing on pregnancy
2) “‘Time To Feather Your Nest’–A Guide to What You Will Need”
3) “‘Will They Ever Sleep through the Night?’–The First Six Months,” addressing sleeping, feeding, colic, and finding help
4) “‘Life Will Never Be the Same!’–Your New Lifestyle,” concerning parent adjustment
5) “‘Are They Natural?’,” on responding to personal questions
6) “‘Bringing Home the Bacon’–Financial Issues”
7) “‘Who Are All These Little People?’–The Second and Third Years,” focusing on teaching social skills, discipline, and toilet training
8) “‘The Instant Family Doesn’t Come with Instructions’–Making It Work and Building Quality Relationships”
9) “‘Can We Come Too?’–Around Town or Around the World–Traveling with Multiples”
10) “‘Another Year Already?’–Birthdays and Holidays”
11) “‘Quick, Give Me an Idea, FAST!’,” including tips regarding shopping and cleaning up
12) “‘It’s Gonna Take More Than Sit-Ups’–Tummy Tucks,” concerning plastic surgery
13) “‘I Miss the Kids Already and They’re Only Sleeping’,” containing parents’ reflections on their children’s growth
14)”Where To Turn for Information and Support.”

I haven’t yet read this book on raising multiple birth children by the parents of triplets, but it has come highly recommended to me. With the birth of triplets, William and Sheila Laut went from DINK (double income, no kids) to SINK (single income, numerous kids) desperate for advice, but finding little. Their book on how to raise multiple children is packed with practical tips for parents raising twins, triplets, quadruplets, and more. They also include suggestions for getting organized, baby gear you will need, coping with sleep deprivation (I like it already!), gift ideas, funny stories, (we can always use those) and more!

1 comment on “Mothering Multiples: Book Review”

Mothering Multiples: Book Review

Mothering Multiples: Breastfeeding Twins, Triplets or More covers every possible breastfeeding topic. A mother of multiple babies will likely have an assortment of questions. Can she produce enough milk? How will she coordinate feedings? Is breastfeeding even an option? The simple answer: Yes!

Kerkhoff Gromada offers valuable information with an emphasis on breastfeeding and attachment-style parenting. All aspects of caring for multiple babies are addressed. These include possible complications of pregnancy, preparing for a multiple birth, coping with newborns who might need to spend time in a NICU, establishing a milk supply for multiple babies, adjusting as a couple, and caring for toddler multiples.

Mothering Multiples: Breastfeeding Twins, Triplets or More, Karen Kerkhoff Gromada from La Leche League

mothering multiplesMothering Multiples provides valuable information with an emphasis on breastfeeding and attachment-style parenting. It features various aspects of caring for multiple babies, including possible complications of pregnancy, and preparing for a multiple birth.

An encouraging and essential read for breastfeeding, Mothering Multiples also contains excellent photos and topics of interest.

About the author: Karen Kerkoff Gromada has worked with thousands of mothers of multiples as a La Leche League Leader for more than 30 years and is a registered nurse and lactation consultant. A popular speaker on the topic of multiples, she has been published in the Journal of Human Lactation and various nursing journals. She co-authored Keys to Parenting Multiples for Barrons Educational Series and was a pioneer columnist for TWINS magazine.