Keeping Walker and Losing Willis

My husband Michael and I found out we were having twins on October 20, 2006 which also just so happened to be the day we were married. I was attending school in Tuscaloosa, Alabama at the University of Alabama and I started to feel so sick I could barely eat. I knew right then that I was pregnant, I just knew.

Michael and I were both excited and we went to the courthouse and got married as soon as we left the doctor’s office that day. We were just glowing and tell everyone down  at the courthouse that we were expecting twins.  Nothing could bring us down that day.

We spent the next few months guessing what sex they would be.  On December 4 we found out they were both boys. We named them Walker and Willis after each of our grandpas. I loved both of those babies with all my heart.

I continued to still be sick even in my fifth month and had trouble keeping food down, but I told God all the time I would suffer through whatever if only he would keep my babies safe. I really believed that he would. I never expected the news we got on January 3 when I went back in for a routine ultra sound.  Twin A no longer had a heart beat and from that moment I just went into complete shock. I started crying right there on the ultrasound table and I just couldn’t believe it. The doctor came in and told me he was sorry, he said we now had to focus on getting Walker here safely.  He sent me to a specialist who said that Walker looked very healthy and that Walker might even go full term.

I was so thankful to still have Walker fighting as he did, but of course I always thought of Willis and wondered what happened to him. I even wondered if it was my fault. I wondered why God would not want me to have both of my babies.  My mother in law told people that I needed to stop talking about Willis and focus on Walker. That really hurt, how dare her. Willis was just as much my baby as Walker, and he was Walker’s brother. I will never stop talking about him.

At home, I began to have anxiety attacks. I would wake up at night and just panic because I would not feel Walker move. Most of the time I would just shake because I was so nervous and scared for Walker. After several late night visits to the hospital and an ultrasound that showed Walker was not doing very good, they sent me to Huntsville where the specialist was to remain in the hospital and be monitored until Walker was born.  The nurses were so wonderful to me in the hospital.  They comforted me and tried to reassure me that Walker looked wonderful on the heart monitor.  And at night when they would hear me crying they came in there to hand me tissues and get me whatever I needed. I don’t know what I would have done without my nurses.

Dr. Bailey, the specialist was heaven sent. I don’t know if Walker would be here if it was not for him. He took such good care of us and he is the one who made the decision to put me in the hospital.

On March 6, 2007, at 11:22 p.m., Walker Joseph was born and Willis’ little body was delivered too by C section. Walker was beautiful and was sent immediately to the neonatal, he was only three pounds.  It sounds weird but I really thought more of Willis those first couple of days, because I knew that now I had to start saying my goodbyes to him. After all those months, he had been with me, even in death he remained in me.  Now I had to give him up. I held him close, and talked to him. I wondered why so many times, but that question will not be answered here on this earth, I know there was a reason.

After losing Willis, I remember the hospital staff that handled the birth certificate came and had me review Walker’s birth certificate. I noticed it said he was a single birth and I started to cry. I asked her why it didn’t say twin. She said it was not considered a twin anymore but she would ask for me.  In the end, they would not change it. It hurt but I tried to understand where they were coming from.

Walker is doing well, he is four months now and twelve pounds. He is a blessing, but of course I will always wish Willis was here with us. But Walker fought so hard even when his brother was gone. I often wonder what he thought when Willis was no longer beside him kicking and was no longer moving.  I thank God everyday for Walker and thank my nurses and my doctor that I now have a precious baby.

I often think about how I used to pray that God would take care of both of my babies and I now see that he has. Walker is here with us and Willis is in heaven where no pain will even touch him. That is what comforts me the most. Thank you so much for this opportunity to share about my babies.


Brooke (Florence, Alabama)

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