I am blessed with twin boys that are nearing their fifteenth birthday, and have had two singleton pregnancies since. A couple of weeks after my youngest son turned one in December 2006 I discovered that a surprise was on the way. At an ultrasound at 8 weeks the technician asked *Do you see what I see?* and I thought I was going to faint – it was twins, again! They were measuring right on target and both had strong heartbeats, and more importantly they had their own placentas and sacs. I went searching for my husband on his postal route to show him the pictures, I couldn’t wait until that night to tell him our news!

As the next few weeks went on I had two more sonograms at a perinatolgist’s office as I was seen as high risk because of my age (36). I actually got the nuchal screening done twice, because they felt the first was done a little early. The results were wonderful, and I was actually feeling occasional movement by both babies at that point (confirmed during a scan….one of the babies flipped as the tech was pushing down with the wand and we both felt it).

We were on cloud nine, and was feeling confidant as I entered my second trimester. Then, at my 16 week appointment my doctor couldn’t find Twin A’s heartbeat. I had a terrible feeling that something was wrong because I had actually felt different…less pregnant…in the last week or so. My doctor reassured me that A was probably hiding behind B, and I reasoned that it was possible since both babies’ heartbeats were virtually the same. I was told to come back in two days for a scan (tech is only in the office on certain days).

I was scared to death the day I went in..yet in the back of my mind I felt I was worrying over nothing, I just couldn’t fathom that one of our babies had possibly died when things were going so well. The tech quickly scanned over Twin A and honed in on B’s heart and started talking about how well the baby looked. At that moment I knew something was wrong, so I told her I knew that B was doing well as I could feel him/her and I wanted to see A. She went back to the baby and said *I’m so sorry, but your baby has died.* What I felt at that moment I hope to never experience again. The ache in my heart was worse than any I had ever felt before.

She estimated that he/she died around 14 1/2 weeks. The baby looked so peaceful, curled up like he/she was just sleeping. The technician was sweet and printed a picture for me, and then went back to Twin B to do a thorough scan. It was then that I found out we were expecting a girl, and that she looked wonderful. I was happy, but not like I should have been. Instead I cried for my lost child, I wanted answers that couldn’t be given.

I had been rear-ended a week before Twin A had died, but saw the doctor that day. They had found both heartbeats on the doppler and I wasn’t having any pain or bleeding so all my doctors think it had nothing to do with it. I was told that I may bleed or cramp, and that Twin A would probably reabsorb so there wouldn’t be anything left to test after the birth.

I have been monitored closely, and have slowly watched my little girl grow while her brother/sister still remains. Now that I’m 35 weeks, I have been told that I will deliver Twin A (named Jordan) after the live twin (Alexandria), but they really don’t know what to expect. They also couldn’t tell me what we need to do to make arrangements since the loss occurred before 20 weeks. We can’t afford any type of burial, and I was told by my one of my doctors that it may not be worth the cost to have him/her cremated. But I most certainly am not going to allow the hospital to just *dispose* of our child either. Every day I tell myself that I am going to call a funeral home, but I can never bring myself to pick up the phone.

Some days are better than others, some family and friends have been better about the situation than others. I have been told to get over it and to focus on my live children, yet they can’t possibly fathom what it feels like to carry a child that lives and one that has died. I’ve already been through the shock and anger, and am able to focus more on the coming birth of our daughter, and am so grateful that she’s doing well…yet I feel cheated. I should be preparing for two babies, not one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s