Tag: stillbirth

Loss in Multiple Birth

Posted by on in Bereavement Support, Loss of a baby, infants or childrenLeave a comment

In spite of everyone’s best efforts, there is a chance that you may lose one, more or all of your babies. In an effort to assist you face this difficult time, to guide you when you have to make certain difficult decisions (e.g. whether or not to see or hold your baby(ies), taking pictures, funeral arrangements) and offer ideas on how to deal with others’ remarks, the following has been prepared. May you find some comfort from these suggestions.

Vanishing Twin (occurs by about 12 weeks gestation)

Vanishing Twin occurs when at least one embryo does not develop probably due to the fact the embryo was not able to properly attach itself to the uterine wall to get the maternal nutrition it needed to properly grow and develop.  The embryo dies and is reabsorbed by the placenta or the mother’s body.  Vanishing Twin is not anyone’s fault.

Miscarriage (occurs up to 20 weeks gestation)

If you have lost your babies through miscarriage, you may feel empty or angry with yourself and let down by your body. You may blame yourself, your actions or attitudes or even that glass of wine or cup of coffee. You may find that friends, family or hospital staff don’t acknowledge the pregnancy or the depth of your grief. Remember, this has been a very real pregnancy for both you and your paratner. You have visualized the babies, ‘taken them for a walk’, ‘bathed and dressed them’, amongst other things.

You might wish to try to find out why your miscarriage occurred. Be prepared for the fact that there might be no definite answers. Try not to feel guilty. Talk openly about your feelings and the babies with a caring person. If desired, maintain some contact with the your local twin and triplet support club until you feel ready to let go.

Stillbirth/Infancy (after 20 weeks gestation)

Prematurity is still the leading cause of death in a multiple birth situation. There is no guarantee against the early delivery of your babies. In spite of the best precautions, it can still occur.

Grief can occur on two levels: at one level, the loss of a unique type of parenting experience; and the other the loss of your baby(ies). The emotions experienced can be varied and sometimes not even feel as if they make any sense: “Did I prefer one baby over the other?”, “Did I really only want one?” Be sure and talk about your feelings with a caring person. You may experience inner struggles as you try to deal with the joy of the birth of one baby and the loss of another. You may wish to push all thoughts of the dead baby from your mind and concentrate on your living baby(ies). You may be subjected to thoughtless remarks from family or friends – ‘you couldn’t have handled triplets anyway.’ ‘At least you still have a baby.’ ‘You have some babies who need you, get on with it!’ It is helpful if you take time to grieve your loss. We cannot move forward until we have grieved what we have lost. Children are not interchangeable and we cannot ignore the death of one because others have survived. Don’t be shy about reminding others that you have lost a baby(ies) and have every right to mourn for him (them).

Some important feedback received from bereaved parents:

  • Name your baby(ies)
  • See your baby(ies) if you can. Hold them, touch them, bathe them and dress them. Take all the time you need. Such contact helps with integrating the fact that your baby is dead. We cannot say ‘good-bye’ before we have said ‘hello’. The majority of bereaved parents find solace, comfort and some healing in seeing their baby(ies). Some grieving parents do not want to see their baby(ies). Don’t be talked into anything that you do not wish to do or which does not feel right for you. Whichever works for you is right way to proceed.
  • Take photos. Take pictures of your babies together and alone, as you wish. The photos can be put away until such time as you feel you might like to look at them or, if you feel unable to take the photos yourself, have a hospital staff member or good friend take some.  Over time, some parents report the photos help acknowledge that their baby(ies) really did exist.  These photos can also become very important for the surviving co-multiple(s) in understanding about their beginnings.
  • Ask any questions of your doctor that you might have. Ask until you have answers that you understand. Be prepared, however, for the fact that some questions may have no answers.
  • Plan the funeral or memorial service as you wish.
  • Don’t keep feelings bottled up inside of you. Talk with a caring person whenever you need. Join a local bereavement support group. This is important for both Mom and Dad/Partner.
  • As the parents, try to spend set aside some time to spend together to share your grief and lost dreams.
  • Be prepared to have ‘set backs’ – this is normal. We are not the same people we were before the death. We need to get used to a new reality. The loss of child stays with us forever and we need to learn how to incorporate our grief into our everyday lives so that we can keep on living. Be prepared to have grief feelings triggered for no seemingly apparent reason. Don’t ignore them. It is only by going through these painful feelings that we can eventually begin to feel any peace.
  • You may wish to think about including older children in the funeral in a meaningful way:  draw a picture, pick out the burial outfit, and such.
  • Try to include the grandparents in some meaningful way in either the funeral or memorial service. They too have a lot to deal with. They have lost a grandchild(ren) and in addition, have not been able to protect their own children from such terrible pain.

There are many good books available on grief.  Check your local Library and perhaps the library of your local twin and triplet support Chapter. Many are available on line at Amazon.com  In addition, Multiple Births Canada has written two booklets on loss and they are available from their Business Office. Multiple Births Canada also has a Loss Support Network which issues a monthly e-newsletter (except December), has confidential e-mail connection between the members and can refer you to appropriate support persons. If you already belong to a member Chapter of Multiple Births Canada, there is no charge to join the Loss Support Network although a donation of your choice to help defray printing and web site costs is greatly appreciated.

Please don’t feel alone in your grief. There are many caring people available to assist you.

Other Support Contacts:

Stillbirth and Newborn Death

Posted by on in Bereavement Support, Loss of a baby, infants or childrenLeave a comment

The birth of a child is one of life’s greatest celebrations. Especially during a multiple pregnancy, parents fantasize about their babies, about walking them, showing them off to friends and family, trying out names and how they sound. When the outlook is positive, those close to the couple share in the journey as excitement and anticipation mount.

Yet when one, more or all of the babies dies by miscarriage or stillbirth, parents at times are encouraged to consider a miscarriage or stillbirth as something less than a “real” death. People around you often want to help, but find it difficult to understand the special circumstances of your loss. Information from Multiple Births Canada and other resources mentioned in this article can assist them say and do things that are helpful and avoid those that are hurtful.

If you do lose one, more or all of your babies, you may wish the birth and/or death certificates to reflect the fact that your baby(ies) was part of an appropriate multiple birth set, i.e. loss of one triplet does not make it a “twin birth”, loss of two quadruplets does not make it a “twin birth” and so on. You may need to be vocal about your wishes as some hospitals may record only the surviving baby(ies) and not your accurate multiple birth.

Stillbirth and Newborn Death

For women carrying multiples, prematurity remains the leading cause of death. Approximately 10% of all perinatal deaths are multiple birth children (Multiple Births Canada’s Fact Sheet, Multiple Birth Facts & Figures, 1998).

In spite of our best precautions, premature birth can still occur. There are no guarantees against the early delivery of your babies. Even in spite of appropriate and timely intervention by hospital staff, a loss of one, more or all of the babies may still occur. If such is the case, you will no doubt be:

  • grieving for your baby(ies);
  • grieving the loss of a unique type of parenthood;
  • feeling shocked, empty and alone with disappointment, anger, sadness and grief;
  • wondering how this could happen and fear that you might not have other children.

The loss of one baby from the multiple birth set, can present complicated emotions to deal with:

  • why this baby and not the other?
  • Did I resent or fear the thought of looking after two, three or four babies and thereby cause this to happen?
  • Did I “wish” one or more babies “away” and cause this to happen?
  • Did my preference for one sex cause this baby to die?
  • How will I tell the survivor(s) about her sister and when?

While these thoughts are normal, they also increase the burden of guilt and grief. Don’t leave these feelings bottled up inside of you. Talk to a grief counsellor, good friend, hospital staff, your partner or religious support person, in order to assist you in putting your feelings into perspective.

Losing one, more or all of your babies leaves the parents and those who care about them to deal with complicated issues. Some of these issues are:

  1. Not only have you lost a baby(ies), but you have also lost a unique parenting experience. Seeing other people with their multiples is a painful reminder of your loss, and may trigger feelings of envy, anger, failure or sorrow. In addition, when there is (are) a surviving child(ren), it can be difficult to resolve the conflict between the two extreme emotions that you are feeling – that is, the joy of the birth of a baby(ies) and the sorrow of the death of a baby(ies).
  2. Your feelings may include rage, shock, numbness, guilt, panic, being out of control, powerlessness, confusion, and/or denial. You are adapting to a new reality and it takes time to adjust. In fact, we are never the same after the death of a child(ren). We adapt and go on, but we are not the same. Grief is a journey, not a destination. Expect powerful feelings to resurface at different times as you walk the rocky road. It is healthiest to allow yourself the neeed time to experience them as they arise, rather than suppressing them.
  3. You may not wish to be touched or held for a period of time after your loss because of a fear of losing control of your emotions. At work or in social situations, you may not wish to discuss your children or your loss, afraid that you will break down in tears and be unable to stop the flood. It helps to tell family, friends and co-workers what you do and don’t want to talk about. Every parent is different. While some want and need to talk about their distress with anyone who will listen, others wish to keep their personal pain separate from their social responsibilities. It helps to tell family, friends and co-workers what you do and don’t want to talk about.
  4. You may find that people pay more attention to the live baby rather than the fact that one (or more) died. They may feel that dwelling on the dead baby may make things more uncomfortable for you. Feel free to speak up if you wish to speak of your dead child(ren). Others will be more open about their thoughts if they know you are happy to hear your dead baby’s name and consider him or her to be a special part of your family.
  5. On the other hand, you may wish, yourself, to push all thoughts of the dead baby(ies) out of your mind and concentrate on your surviving baby(ies). You might wish others would stop reminding you of the baby(ies) you have lost. You need not feel guilty about this normal reaction. Parents can only cope with so much at once. With newborns, especially when they are premature or ill, it is common for parents to devote their energy to their living children and delay grief until a later time. In due course, you will find the right way to acknowledge the child who died.
  6. Parents often hear inappropriate comments that are meant to comfort them but in fact, do exactly the opposite. To hear “It’s not the same as losing a baby, this one never drew breath.” or “You are young, you can have other children” is devastating, even if the comment is well intentioned.”At least one survived.” [I am truly grateful, but one crib is still empty.]
    “It’s God’s will. They’ve gone to a better place.” [There is no better place for babies to be than with their parents! ]
    “It’s for the best, she/he would have been disabled. [Death of a child is not “good” and not necessarily easier to handle than disabilities.]
    “You have a healthy baby, just forget the other and get on with your life.” [You have 2 legs. If one was amputated, how would you feel if I said “you have one healthy leg, forget the one you lost and move on?”]
    “You could never have handled quadruplets.” [Death of a child is not easier to handle than mounds of diapers or huge grocery bills!]
  7. Communication is important, and a counselor may help bereaved parents avert losing relationships with family or friends. People often call two surviving triplets or quadruplets “twins”. They need to know what you want to call them. Likewise, one mother reported one of her twin daughters was born very ill and died in the hospital after a short life of two months. Her mother-in-law focused on the surviving, healthy baby, sending the parents a card congratulating them on the “birth of their daughter”. The dead sister was never mentioned, even though she lived for two months, was named and given a funeral. A rift developed between the mother and mother-in-law, with hurt, anger and hostility at the lack of acknowledgement of one grandchild’s birth and death.
  8. Recognize that you will have limits. Your pain may be so intense that you will have nothing to give to the rest of the family or spouse. Be honest and let them know when you need some space for the time being.

Memories

It can be very helpful for parents to see, hold and touch their dead baby or babies. I feel very strongly that we cannot say “Good-bye” until we have said “Hello.” No parents have ever expressed to me their regret at having seen and held their babies, but several have expressed regret that they did not. Sensitive and caring hospital staff can encourage parents to hold their baby(ies), and bathe them if they wish. You can take photos of the deceased babies separately and together, with any surviving babies from the multiple birth, and with other siblings if you desire this. Hospital staff are often exemplary in supporting families at this difficult time, making it as easy as possible for you, although they cannot change the tragic reality of death. Parents are often given specially designed Memory Boxes, one per baby, which may include: the blanket the baby was wrapped in, a lock of hair when possible, plaster hand and foot prints, an outfit the baby wore, hospital bracelets and several photos of each baby. Such special items are cherished as tangible evidence of the reality and value of a baby who did indeed live, even if only in dreams.

There are companies and artists who can create drawings of your babies, or unite separate photos of babies with computer imaging to create a group picture. These tasteful and precious photographs or sketches can provide parents with much comfort. As one Dad put it “.it [the photograph] proved to the world that our son was real.”

This article was written with grateful input and assistance from:
Dr. Elizabeth Pector, Illinois, U.S.A.

Reading Resources

Twins, Triplets and More, Elizabeth M. Bryan, M.D., St. Martin’s Press
Guidelines for Professionals: Bereavement, Bryan, EM; Hallett F, Multiple Births Foundation, London England http://www.multiplebirths.org.uk
Living Without Your Twin, Betty Jean Case, Tibbutt Publishing
Bereavement in Multiple Birth, Part 1: General Considerations, Elizabeth Pector, MD; Michelle Smith-Levitin, MD, The Female Patient, Vol. 27, November, 2001
Bereavement in Multiple Birth, Part 2: Dual Dilemmas, Elizabeth Pector, MD; Michelle Smith-Levitin, MD, The Female Patient, Vol. 27, May, 2002
The Worst Loss: How Families Heal from the Death of a Child, by Barbara D. Rosof, Henry Holt
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby, Deborah L. Davis, Fulcrum Publishing
Men & Grief, Carol Staudacher, New Harbinger Publications
Trying Again: Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss, Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D., Taylor Trade Publishing
Empty Arms: Coping with miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death, Sherokee Ilse, Wintergreen Press

Other Organizations

Suggestions for What to Do With the Baby Shower Gifts and/or Nursery When the Babies Have Died

Posted by on in Bereavement Support, Loss of a baby, infants or childrenLeave a comment

A frequently asked question is what to do with Baby Shower gifts and/or Nursery when the babies have died.

The following suggestions are offered in order to provide some ideas as to how to handle this situation. Be sure to choose something that works for the both of you.

  • If you don’t want to keep the gifts for your next pregnancy, then return them assuming the persons giving you the gifts want them back. It may be that some want them back and some do not.
  • If the person giving you the gift does not want their gift back and you do not want to keep it because things have changed dramatically and you don’t wish the painful memories, consider donating each to a worthy cause, e.g. a women’s shelter, hospital, immigrants’ shelter. Some communities have homes for unwed mothers and they are very grateful for baby gifts. You could write each gift giver a short note indicating that their “very special baby gifts” have gone to such-and-such a cause in honour of your own special babies.
  • Consider keeping one, two or more (one for each baby) of your gifts, e.g. stuffed animals, for your babies’ Memory Boxes.
  • It may be that you have received special, expensive gifts which you don’t feel comfortable keeping. For example: Royal Doulton baby dish sets or snowsuits. Call the people who gave you the gifts and ask if they would like them returned. Take the opportunity to let them know of your idea to donate the gifts and let them know which place you have in mind. They may agree to having their gift donated as well. A phone call asking specifically for feedback when you are not sure what to do, will help decide on a mutually acceptable course of action.
  • A gift is a gift, regardless. The generous spirit of giving shouldn’t change if the babies die. When a gift is given, ownership of that gift is transferred. If you don’t feel you want to return the gifts or even some of the gifts, it wouldn’t be incorrect but you may still feel conflicted. If you are in doubt ease your mind by calling the giver.
  • Take your time when deciding what to do with the gifts. Initially, you may be taken up with mourning and funerals. Don’t be pushed by well-meaning relatives or friends to decide too quickly what to do with the gifts. If you are pushed to make a decision, it could add additional stress. Give yourself a few months to complete the task. You may disperse the gifts with your partner or you may ask a close family member or friend to help you.
  • The same with taking apart a Nursery. Many families set up a babies’ room ahead of time. There are no hard and fast rules on how to handle it. You might ask family or friends to take it down and store it before you come home from the hospital or you may wish to do it yourselves. If the latter, close the door and enter the room only when you feel ready to do so. You could move the cribs, equipment and toys to the basement or put them in storage so they will be out of your sight and you won’t fear tripping over them and triggering painful memories. It isn’t terribly expensive to do the latter. You may also choose to leave the Nursery for your next pregnancy. WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO DO IS RIGHT. Don’t be talked into anything that you feel might not work for you.

If you have any suggestions that you would like to see added to this list, please write to me and let me know.

 

Giving birth to stillborn fraternal twin boys

Posted by on in Stories of loss from parentsLeave a comment

My name is Julie Reynolds. On March 22, 2006 I gave birth to stillborn fraternal twin boys. I was 34 weeks pregnant. They weighed 5 pounds 4 ounces and 6 pounds 3 ounces. Their names are Lucas and Ryland. I am also the mother of 4 living sons.

On Augest 19, 2005 I had my tubes tied so we would not have anymore children. I started to get sick after the procedure and told the doctor. She said that I might have an infection from the procedure. I also complained of pain, so she sent me for a ultrasound cause she said I most likly had cysts on my ovaries. A week after the ultrasound was done I called to get the results and found out I was pregnant again and this time with twins. My husband and I needless to say were very surprised but extremly happy about the news as we thought we no longer could have children. My first question to the doctor was if they were ok cause I had the surgery around the time I had conceived them. The doctor did not check for a pregnancy for before I had the surgery.

Everything was fine and right up until just before they were born. Two weeks before they passed away I went to the hospital in extreme pain on the left side of my stomach. I was given tylenol, hooked up to a fetal heart monitor then sent home. I was told what ever happened inside my stomach, my babies were tolorating it well and that was it. No other tests were performed. The next day I saw my doctor and told her what happened. She said if it happened again to go back to the hospital and to come back to see her in two weeks. I never got to see her again.

A week and a half later I had a ultrasound which had been booked weeks before I experienced the extreme pain. I was told they were perfectly healthy little boys. I had noticed that the baby on the left’s heartrate was lower than it normally was and I asked why. She said it was cause there was really no more room left to grow and he wasn’t active and probably sleeping at the moment. On the Tuesday after my ultrasound I went for a nap before my husband had to go to work. I woke up and started to get supper ready for my four boys. I cleaned and then recieved a phone call from my sister-in-law that she wanted to take my youngest son for the night. I got him ready. By the time I did have a few moments to sit I noticed that I had not felt any movement since before I went for my nap. I went and got something to eat and drink because usually that would make them move. When that didn’t work I tried to move them myself and nothing happened. I called my husband at work and told him I was going to the hospital. I told him I would call him because he was not allowed to leave (work) unless I was in labor cause I already called him home many times that week.

I went to the hospital and they told me that they had one babies’ heartbeat but the other baby was probably hiding so they were going to give me a ultrasound to see and hear them better. That was the moment my heart truely broke. The doctor on call told me that both boys were dead. They said that they picked up my heartbeat earlier.I got them to call my husband at work. They couldn’t tell him anything on the phone and just told him that he needed to come. He arrived almost a hour later cause he went home first to change cause he thought I was in labor and he gets really dirty at his job. When he arrived I heard the nurse tell him in the hallway just outside my room. I remember feeling so numb, how could this be happening to us? My stay in the hospital was very emotionally straining cause of rude comments I had to endure from medical staff. I did make a formal complaint about these comments. It was hard enough to deal with what I had to go through then I had to deal with what these (so called) medical professionals were telling me.

EXAMPLE; A lab tech said”you had a baby? I said “yes, I had twin boys” she said “Where are your babies? I said “They passed away.” she said “Oh, you are the one they are talking about downstairs. You don’t want any sick or malformed babies away. It’s for the best they died.” My sons were not sick, they were not malformed. They were healthy little boys. There were other comments as well.

I was told is that Lucas died first and he was the baby on the left, the side I first had problems on and he was the baby with the lower than normal heart rate. I have yet to recieve the autopsy results. I was told by the doctor who delievered my sons that the test they did recieve back showed no cause. I can’t deal with the fact they are telling me that we buried two healthy little boys.

I delivered my boys by c-section and discovered later that I had an infection from the surgery. Lucas was born at 2:16pm and weighed 5lbs. 4ozs. Ryland was born at 2:17pm and weighed 6lbs.3ozs. I remember returning to my room it was 4:30pm. The nurse brought in my babies and placed them both in my arms. I remember thinking they just looked like they were sleeping but I knew they would never wake up from this sleep. I kissed each of their little heads and told them I was sorry and that I loved them. The nurse came and took them to another room. I later asked for them again because I wanted to hold them individually.

We had two services for them as we live so far away from home. We had a service here where we live, which was open casket, the choice of my two older children. I glad we did that cause I was feeling a bit better from the surgery and I got the chance to kiss them good-bye without feeling all groggy from pain medications. We had to transfer their bodies ourselves back home which was a hard long drive (7 hours).  My aunts put together the service back home which was more than I ever expected.

I hadn’t been home in 2 years and it was really something to see how many people cared. My boys were not planned but I wanted them more than anything in this world and as each day goes by I miss them more then I think my heart can handle at some times.

Julie Reynolds on behalf of Lucas and Ryland born still on March 22, 2006