The loss of our twins…

My name is Julie and I am 34 years of age living in Australia with my husband Kim, this is the story about the loss of our twins.

We had planned to have a baby and we conceived in April 2007. On June 8th , I went for an ultrasound and learned that I was pregnant with twins. I was so surprised and shocked and happy all at the same time. I couldn’t believe that I would ever be blessed with two babies at once. My husband wasn’t there at the time and I couldn’t wait to get home to tell him. When I broke the news to him, his reaction was much the same as mine. Excited, happy, worried.

Because our twins were identical, there was only one placenta and our doctor told us that we would need to have ‘extra checkups’ because of such risks as TTTS etc. I had no idea what TTTS was and came home and searched the internet for information. I was so worried. But eventually I learned to stop worrying and enjoy my pregnancy and savour each moment of it.

I prayed for little girls. I pictured myself dressing them in the cutest outfits, gazing at their beautiful blue eyes, their gorgeous blonde hair, bathing them, walking with them, sharing birthdays and Christmases with them and showing them off to family and friends. I was so in love with my unborn children.

We had several ultrasounds between 8 and 20 weeks of pregnancy. In the ultrasounds we could see our babies mouths open and close, their little hands up above their faces, their little legs kicking around happily. Their heartbeats were a strong 161bpm.  They were healthy, we were relieved.

On Monday, September 10 th, 2007 we arrived at the hospital for our 20 week ultrasound. For some reason I knew that something was wrong. I cannot put my finger on it but I just knew. I had felt minimal movement the day before.

When I lay on the examination bed, the sonographer put gel on my belly to have a look. She could not find a heartbeat on either twin. There was no blood flow. No life. I was sick. I was dizzy with shock. My husband took me in his arms and told me this isn’t my fault. Because I carried my babies and did everything I could to nourish them, I tried to think of what I may have done to cause this. I was very careful, not even having one panadol for a headache .. no coffee .. nothing bad.

On Tuesday, September 11 th, at 12.51pm, our beautiful daughters Vienna Brigid and Celeste Elizabeth were born into Eternal Life. When they and the placenta were examined, the cruel truth about what happened had come to light: our otherwise perfectly healthy and forming babies had entangled themselves in each others cords after the membrane separating them had collapsed.

There are no words to describe such a loss. There are no words to explain the despair, the grief and the heartache. I felt my babies move. I talked to them. I made plans with them. I loved them more than life.

We are having a service on October 10 th to say goodbye to our babies. Every day when I wake up it’s the same – the same empty feeling of loss and despair. I have questioned a life after death and I ask myself why and when I don’t get answers I beat myself up with what-ifs.

To our beautiful baby girls Vienna and Celeste, we love you. We will always love you.

God in His Heaven

Wrote down our babies birth

And whispered as He closed the book,

“Too beautiful for this earth”.

Julie

 

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